blutakgirl

My mother died a month ago, and this week was her funeral. In accordance with her views it was a humanism ceremony. I read an excerpt from Richard Dawkins ‘Unweaving the Rainbow’.

So many people commented to me afterwards that they had never been to a non-religious ceremony before, but they were moved by how personal and appropriate it was. The humanist minister was outstanding, the music was just perfect and there were no unanswered questions about how any loving god could take away such a good person at such a young way and in such cruel circumstances. Instead we were asked to reflect on the following: “all living things are subject to death and we, being a part of nature, are no exception. And sometimes nature can be so, so cruel. And when death arrives, it can be a rude reminder that life is only temporary and that whenever it is finished, the pattern stands in its completeness – with no negotiation or re-negotiation.”

Over the last few days I’ve lost two people who were very important to me. Whilst this has made me very sad, it has also made me realise a few things about myself. I don’t value myself at all. I’ve been drawing my sense of self worth from the people I associate myself with, particularly my boyfriends.

I think that if I am with a good looking guy people will think I must be worth something, and if i am with an intelligent guy then people must think I am intelligent.

I need to work on not judging myself by what other people think of me and valuing my own worth and achievements.

A few weeks ago I successfully completed my upgrade to full PhD status (all students are initially registered as MPhil only). This involved preparing an outline of my thesis, a sample chapter and then defending them in front of three scary academics.

I also had to give a conference style presentation to invited guests at the annual PhD day. This was very scary, but went quite well in the end (despite me having a cold) and I was quite proud of my performance.