and im already desperate for a drink… :(
going good…. havnt smoked any cigs, even though i have a full packet.
most likely because i have a cold, but also, definately also because i just dont want to.
it IS going to be hard, not because i dont really want it, but i am an addict. not just to the cigs but to anything i can be really, coke, alcohol, caffeine, love, everything.
but i do not want to be that person anymore!!! so im just going to stick right on it.
everyone says ‘it would be easy if you really wanted to do it’ but thats such shit.
listen to me, i DO NOT WANT TO BE ADDICTED ANYMORE i mean it, i really mean it.
and its writing these little pep blogs that helps me feel positive about it and not do it.
i have a bottle of wine in the fridge and a can of beer and half a bottle of vodka. i also have a full packet of cigarettes. but i dont want to get rid of these things. NOT because im anticipating a failure, because right now i feel really strong. (ho knows what the next minute will bring…) but because if i know i have them close to hand, it stops that extra little panicky desperation which is what builds and the avalanches
if i want it, its there. but i dont want it. so i dont need to worry or think about it.
psycho samatic, (or whatever the phrase is!) you see?
i am going to the pub tonight with my house mate for a social type of thingy, and im just going to drink coke.
i really hope this works, i do not want to be writing an entry tommorrow saying ‘oops i fucked up’
wish me luck…
i spoke to my friend jamie yesterday, she is sxe.
and she said her secret is treating her body as though she were pregnant… which is a really really great way of looking at it. because if you were pregnant you wouldnt dream of doing anything to harm your child. so why would you harm yourself??
and i have been pregnant, and the only thing i could think of was how to preserve that little life inside me and how to protect it as best i could using my body as its little protective bubble.
so i remember that feeling, maybe i have a good chance of looking after this body and treating myself correctly.
and being kind to myself.
i dont deserve to wreck my life and my body through misuse and abuse.
im a bit scared though.
whats a hawaiian donut? and is it good? is it as good as hawaii itself?
i want to go there. more than anyone else here!!!
and im going to take someone special to me, who i know wants to go too <3