burnitallinthefire

I was asked to be an FHM model once! Come on! I need to get my act together and start respecting my body – I want it back to my ballet years. I am going to put my body’s needs first and not my minds wants.

I’m journaling my progress back to society – I have some demons that I need to face – I need to admit their existence in order to move past them.
I am afraid of people. There I’ve said it. I have had a lot of bad things happen TO ME…and yes..I am speaking as a victim – another thing I am admitting to. I thought I was past some of these vices but when struggling with depression and low self tolerance life is more like a roller coaster than a straight highway.
I’m not only journaling my transition from a patch of depression but to sober living, from a victim of assault to a pro-active survivior, from a human door mat to assertiveness, from a dancer in life to the choreographer of my own destiny, and of course..from thin to fat and back again.
Day one : I have woken up on an island. It’s filled with all of the ammenities I could desire perhaps an overindulgence of some. I am afraid to leave this island because the world outside has tossed me around a bit too much. I am lonely – I fill my moments of feeling with distractions and drinks. I cannot see land – I cannot see anything past the trees. I have completely shut myself off from society -
It’s hard to know which problem started this latest snow ball effect. The depression? The drinking? The isloation? The weight gain? I guess ill get started with that topic.
In the past year I have managed to go from 136 pounds to 180. The heaviest I have ever been. How?
My King Kongism resulted from a vicious cycle of work, school, and late night meals. I scramble out of bed every morning just in time to get dressed and race to work. But don’t think that this has been any different then the last 27 years of my life. I am the typical irresponsible “Wendy” who’s Peter Pan has since found a new chick. (Humf) Or maybe not – Am I typical? Are many 28 year old women also struggling to find their independence and balance their check books? Not many that i know. During the past couple of years the stress from keeping a job and my loneliness allowed for one tried and true solution – Cocktails! But when cocktail night turns in three years of addiction the solutions seem to be very far out of reach.

I’m done with therapy and confiding in people – None of that has ever helped. At this juncture in my life – Having suffered with depression and anxiety my entire life..MAN..I JUST WANT TO LIVE INSTEAD OF SURVIVE!

How do you step into society when you feel so awful about yourself? I am ashamed at the way i look but I know I cannot remain here – marooned until I die.