cancerfree2003

I received some discouraging news today about my marrow production and blood results. Despite this I really felt a pain free, light-hearted and peaceful day. I didn’t let my anxiety get to me. As I thought about my prognosis I realized even more how much today is a gift, as well as all tomorrows. I will live, love and be grateful for each day as it comes.

Ahhhhg! I just got back home after spending about 9 hours at the hospital being treated for smoke inhalation and poisoning. I am now on oxygen at home. There was a fire started behind my apartment on the mountain that has been burning up the mountian for a few days. Although I’ve been wearing a mask the smoke has gotten through the swamp cooler and has made me feel deathly ill. Others around me have experienced some symptoms but my immune system is pretty vulnerable so I took a beating! I’ll be on oxygen for awhile and the hospital social worker is setting up for me to have portable air coolers/ionizers in my apartment so I can keep the swamp cooler closed and seal up my apartment. It’s always in the high 90’s here so I need something to keep me cool, especially since I continue to run high fevers as well. It’s currently raining so hopefully that puts the smoldering fire out completely and clears the air!!!

I have been doing much better the past 2 days. The healthy red blood cells from my transfusion on Tuesday have kicked in a little and given me some energy. I think the main difference between being home and being in the hospital is that the 109 days I spent in the hospital I knew I was fighting for my life and I was in an environment that let me know every day that I was a patient under the direct care of doctors and nurses. I was in an isolated, protected environment and I could not leave the room. I was hooked up to 4 different IV’s as the Hickman catheter (central IV line) protruding from my chest was always hooked up to something. I was unable to move from the bed. I was on oxygen and ventilators. I was even in a coma for two weeks, plus several emergency trips to the ICU. I knew my environment well and felt safe and protected there. I know I still had choices but under such supervised care I didn’t dare break any rules! I longed to be released and to just go home.

Well, now I’m home, but I feel different then I thought I would. I think I’m “institutionalized!” The hospital feels safe and normal. Home feels unfamiliar for some strange reason. I think what I struggle with the most is looking out the windows and knowing I could just walk out and escape from my confinement. I want to pretend I don’t have any vulnerabilites and just throw caution to the wind and just “live it up.” Stepping outside or going on a road trip seems harmless. Walking up the mountain and getting fresh air seems harmless. These are things I desperately want to do but in order to participate fully in my recovery, I must not take any risks. I am pretty niave to just how crippled my immune system is and to how vulnerable I am to catching some virus or bacteria that could literally kill me in no time. After all this work it would be stupid to take any risk.

I am making daily trips to the hospital for bloodwork, tests, meds and IV’s. I have to wear my mask the second I step out of my bedroom. I can’t be in any public settings. I barely have any strength to make it to the car and to be taken to the hospital. I look forward to being able to drive myself someday.

With all this said, I have decided I need to be proactive while stuck at home. Visitors are strictly limited and under extreme conditions that they must follow. I have taken a good look at the goals listed on this site and am making plans as to how I can be actively working on them while confined here. This is what I’ve come up with;

Goal # 3—Play Ping Pong while intoxicated; I have been discussing this and laughing about making plans to go through with this with a friend in southern CA. I am shooting for the time when I can travel and hope to do this in December or January.

Goal # 4—Read the Dictionary. I am actively reading the dictionary and have now finished 128 pages and will begin reading the “D’s” tomorrow.

Goal # 7—Trace my Cherokee heritage. I am 1/8 Cherokee Indian and recently discovered through geneology searches that I have relatives living in Oklahoma and Arkansas. I am still searching my line and hope to meet these relatives someday.

Goal # 8—Become SCUBA certified. It will be some time before I can actually enter water and take the open water part of the course. However, I have an instructor and I have the CD-Rom lessons and will begin learning the techniques. I am also planning on surfing the internet for great places to dive and to look at beautiful pictures of the sea.

Goal # 10—Ban smoking in all public places. I have strong feelings about the effects I feel when I’m exposed to cigarette smoke. I worked long and hard to make an offical ban on smoking within 25 feet of my apartment complex and at work. I have been working with non-smoking agencies to promote this ban and to help it go into effect every where possible. I will continue to do this via emails.

Goal # 15—Make animal abuse or neglect a felony in all 50 states. I worked long and hard with this goal in Utah and was very ecstatic to see it take effect and to become law in March here. I continue to work with the ASPCA to prosecute these forms of cruelty. There is no tolerance for these kinds of behavior. I just wish we could put abusers or neglectors under the same harsh conditions they subject their pets or other animals to. How about a small confined cage, exposed to 100+ degree temperature with no shade, or left in a below zero degree environment, with no food or water for weeks, left to sit in their own feces, perhaps to also suffer from some kind of illness or injury that desperately needs medical attention (but none is provided), maybe to even be taunted or provoked with burning them or beating them with sticks? Lets see if they like these conditions! I am very passionate about treating animals with humane conditions!

Goal # 16—Tour Washington, DC. I had planned to do this in May but was unable to because of my transplant. I had already made all the arrangments but had to cancel. Since everything is paid for, I just need to make new plans. I would now really like to go in the Fall when the tourist season is low but the Fall colors are in full bloom. I am looking at going in mid-October and am trying to see if this can be arranged now.

Goal # 18—See the musical “Wicked” in LA. I just bought two tickets for this yesterday. I am surprising someone by showing up unexpectedly in Los Angeles with 2 tickets in hand (on a surprise date that I cannot even mention it here) and going to the show. I’m excited about this. Wish I could give more details but I think this person will figure it out if they check this site regularly.

Goal # 24—Really help someone who has depression. I have struggled with clinical depression myself my entire life. Medication is a blessing for me, but they are other elements that go into helping. Since I am a therapist but am unable to work at the time being, I would like to use my “free time” to help others. I have been looking for other fellow “43r’s” on this site whose goal it is to beat depression and have tried to reach out to them. I will continue with this goal on a daily basis.

Goal # 27—Increase my faith. I know when I am actively working on my faith, praying to God, reading scriptures, listening to uplifting music and trying wholeheartedly to be connected to God and his abilities to heal me and to help bear me up through this whole ordeal, then I feel safe in knowing everything will work out according to His plans. I am often stubborn and think I know what’s best for me. I turn away. I get depressed and discouraged and want to run away from it all. I must be more humble and submit myself to His refining fires. I also need to allow myself to know I am a child of God, to know that He is aware of me individually and loves me and wants what’s best for me. This is something I must actively do each day or else I find myself falling into pits of despair.

Goal # 29—Carve a walking stick. I have the stick now and I just need to get a good knife and figure out how I want to design it and begin the work. It should be fun, granted that I don’t slip with the knife and slice myself somewhere!

Other things I’m planning to do which aren’t on my list include learning to knit so that I can make hats to be donated to needed charities. I have a friend who will show me this soon. Also, I own three guns and would often go to the shooting range. I so badly want to hold and shoot my Ruger .357 magnum revolver again soon! I’m going to do my best to be patient with healing and keep pestering my doctor to know when I can safely go to the shooting range. That will be so much fun! Ah, another thing to look forward to…

Things are looking up. I am trying to keep in tune with what I feel, honor it, and find ways to connect with life and to be closer to God. I have such wondeful support systems. I am really enjoying getting to know others from this site throughout the world and I have been touched by the outpoor of support, prayers, compassion, love and wonderful coping suggestions. Thank you so much to each of you who have taken the time to give me cheers, to read my comments, blogs, etc and to leave comments yourself. It is so nice to have this kind of connection—something I can get right here in my very own confinement at home!