caramelized

I am so angry. Everything was going well. I thought I’d made a real acheivement with my son and that he was going to finish this semester strong. Tonight I was helping him learn math and then when it came time for him to learn the process he just said “I’m not doing it”. He wouldn’t practice and the test is tomorrow. He did so horribly on the test that he didn’t turn it in. Well he says he did. The teacher couldn’t find it. It’s really disgusting. I believe that he turned it in. I hope he’s not lying about that. But the teacher told him to come back this afternoon to finish the test and he didn’t. So he was given one extra day. I told him if he didn’t finish his work he wasn’t going to get the laptop my mother bought for XMas or the jeans my sister was sending him. I told him that for lying he wasn’t going to be able to go to the party that I said I would pay for. Also, I told him that I was going to call the juvenile police guy because he wouldn’t do as he’s told – all this in an effort to get him to start working on his test. I am upset because after school he’s on the computer and out with friends instead of home working on the test and then when it comes time for the test he’s too sleepy to want to work on it. And he doesn’t understand the test at all. I’m so ashamed. All his friends are getting great grades. He has great friends and I hate to get in the way of his social life but he has to pay attention to work. Things have to change around here. I let him do whatever he wants. He does not listen to punishments. I’m going to have to turn my whole life around now. It’s going to be extremely difficult. He’s going to destroy the apartment by punching things. He’s going to maybe even threaten to hit me. He’s going to whine and be in pain. He’s going to try and take his things back – all of this and I need to follow up on all my threats. I have to call the police officer for him to come and speak with Wilder. I have to keep the jeans and the computer and the ipod from him. I have to change my attitude for his own well being. I have to make him earn his priviledges. He can’t go out until his room is clean. He can’t have money until he gets a job. He can’t hang out with friends at the movies or restaurants until he starts raising his grades. He can’t have his things back until he starts raising his grades. He was given a choice tonight. I told him that if he wants to avoid this he needs to get up and start working. I am going to have to change my attitude towards him. It’s going to make me miserable. My home is going to be a fighting grounds. I can’t stand this. This is how I grew up and he’s going to make it that way, not me. I guess this is what is so hard about 16. I’m going to need a lot of support now. I’m going to need to punish him and figure out how to stick to the punishment. That’s the only way things are going to get done.

2 DAYS ago my new agent started submitting me. He knows what roles I would be right for so let’s see what happens from there.

I have been working out but I haven’t been journaling…. I did change my diet today to include fruits and I will be having a decent dinner. I am contemplating going running. I can really see the value of losing weight on my career even though, i don’t feel like doing it. I also had the goal of getting a lead role this month. I still have 2 opportunities but I haven’t really been working on them. I need to get my head back into that game but i got blindsided with trying to pay the bills. really scary. my financial situation is really scary for me right now. i need another client. someone i can rely on. though my one client is going to get really busy, i don’t know if they can afford me twice a week, we’ll see.

at least i helped them make money back recently on one of their vendors – that was good.
i don’t know if i’m ready for the change i say i want to make. i am going to read the 7 habits book and then i am going to get ready for everything tomorrow. i have to bring lunch, as I can’t afford lunch… i have to think of something yummy for the lunch. i hope this ends up being a lot of fun and informative. i don’t know how it’s going to help my acting career but it may help me turn some things around. like my lazy comfortable being mediocre attitude.

last night i heard from my ex. he wants to sleep with me?! i want to sleep with him to o but dating him is too prohibitive he really hurts my life. i have to do something about keeping away from him, i can’t get distracted, it’s funny how every time i get on track i start either attracting or meeting new men and then i start getting into the men and away from my goals be they weight loss goals or work goals. that’s not going to happen this time. i need to make more money to buy new clothes and pictures and everything – oh my manager is asking me to go through all this stuff to get some new pictures – he refuses to use the photos that i have and he’s being a real asshole about it. a stupid asshole. the agent is moving forward… let’s see what happens. i need a reprieve from the manager and i think i’m going to make an appointment to see him late in the week next week. i just can’t take it anymore… dealing with him, he’s weird. he’s rude and he’s disrespectful. i am going to be nice but i need to make some more money before i can move forward and do anything for or with him even though, i know he’ll be able to help me reach my goals, i don’t like how he’s talked to me… not very good.

i feel hurt and disrespected and spent. i am doing too much in the very beginning. i need to take my time and ease back into this. hopefully he won’t complain about this. we’ve got to reach some middle ground. he seems really not understanding and not very nice – at all. i need someone a little bit more flexible but he’s what i have for now. on one hand getting him what he wants could benefit me a great deal, i may be getting in my own way, on the other hand, im tired! I feel like i’m too old to change, like it’s too late for me…but i also feel like i want to reach my goals, these are the feelings i think that take place right before amazing change. i need to do my flylady stuff that always clears things up for me. decluttering cleaning and creating a beautiful home, something i am still trying to do. i want to have sex with someone but i also want to change who i am and what i stand for. i want to have a meaningful life and do the absolute best i can with my life, really contribute something and not just a kid. i want to be able to have money for things given to me from my chosen field, but sometimes i doubt that that is what i want because i am not doing everything in my power to make that happen, if i were i would be picking up those pictures and giving them to him, maybe once i get some money, i will be doing that. i am going to try to go to work on monday and really get some money in my pockets and then tuesday with that other lady and then i need to recruit someone else over the weekend. i need to make money to feel up for all of this. the next step in getting a guest star role is to be nice to this guy and get him the pictures he wants. that is the absolute next step and i have to stop thinking about petty stuff i just need to do it and exactly how he wants me to do it.

I am proud to report that I have a new agent and a new manager. I kicked my soso manager to the side and i now have a great new team! This is surely getting me there. Now I need to lose some weight to be in the real running and I need to pay off my sag dues. I have so many financial responsibilities that it’s getting kind of crazy. I haven’t been able to pay off any of them. I have no tv, no car registration… rent takes all my money.

A guest starring role would help that. let’s see what the agent can come up with. let us see. anyway, i don’t have to search for representation anymore, i just have to concentrate on being ready for when i get the call. i still have a lot to deal with my manager though. he’s really very adamant about getting new pictures or getting these pictures that he likes produced and it’s really annoying. i brought him 4×6’s and he got upset because all 27 weren’t there. he didn’t believe me that the ones that aren’t there are ones that i don’t like. i’m going to work this through with him but his attitude is very unsettling and that’s the problem. I have to deal with this attitude and I don’t know how. I guess this could be looked at as an obstacle on the road to success. I guess it is. If i can smooth this over with him I can move forward with my goal because I need him on my team. I was just going to alienate him but I can see now that I’m writing about it, a way to move forward on this.