carolina79

I want to live my life to the fullest. See the world over. Be the man I could be, the one deep down inside. I want to do more than just survive from day to day…I want to live!

I spent a lifetime working for others, daydreaming by day, trying to write my stories on weekends. All I want to do is write down the stories floating around in my head. All I need is time…

I should have know this was coming. She was too quiet, too distant in conversation to be ignored. It’s always quiet just before your world comes crashing down on top of you.

Haven’t been able to sleep for almost a week now…
It isn’t my fault this time around. I mean I know I care about her and I told her.. so how can it be my fault?

We all have our secrets and we all want to live our owns lives. I just want to make her a bigger part of mine. Was that so wrong?
Well it must have been because we haven’t spoken since that night and things have fallen apart in the rest of my life since.

Everything hinges on what we believe in, on what we care about. Once you lose that thing you hold dearest to you.. everything else goes to hell in a handbasket.

I should man up and admit defeat, accepting the loss and go forward. Bad thing is I can’t just turn a page in a book and forget about the last two years. Never could understand how she put up with me for this long…

I sometimes wonder what it is that guides us in and out of relationships. Is it our need for that other? That yearning that never goes silent? Personally I thought it was my own lack of self. So I tried to become the person inside, the one that could tackle life all on his lonesome. Funny thing about that is.. life is hardly worth living unless you’ve got someone special to share it with. A good friend is priceless but that certain someone is beyond description.

I almost wish I hadn’t spoken up and things were as they have been for the past 6 months. What I really wish is we could go back to a year ago, when things were good between us.

With each day’s passing the pain gets a little worse, as the blow to my heart has yet to be completely realized.

It isn’t that I want anything the rest of you out there don’t want. All anyone wants is to be loved by another, at least that’s what I like to think the rest of you out there are looking for. Someone to be there through the hard times and the good times. Someone that won’t judge you for what you have no control.

I wonder if posting this is better than a journal entry. Journals are more personal but hardly any ever see the light of day…

I went to visit my nephew on Sunday. I needed cheering up… Payton’s 5 years old, just starting school. And I don’t know if it was his kindergarden class or me but the visit fell short for both of us. He expected the normal, happy uncle with a smile on his face and a toy in his arms. All I came bearing was sadness this time around, he hardly knew what to do with me.
We played with a pair of walkie talkies in the house, he hid behind the sofa. I enjoyed him, as I always do, but things weren’t the same and he could tell.

I didn’t think I was capable of loving another until Payton was born. Loving him awakened something inside, something dorment, something small that had been overlooked.
Children look at you in a way that can’t be dismissed. They see the whole you, with eyes untarnished by the world we live in.

I hated to hear he was starting school this year. I hate to think of him losing that innocence, that innocence he’ll never get back.

The visit was cut short today, hardly stayed any time at all. I couldn’t stand that family atmosphere of my brother’s house having a fresh crack running the length of my heart.