cherry

I shouldn’t be here. I feel bad for being here. Guilty. Like I’m letting everyone down. They don’t know I’m here. Why? Because they trust me not to be.

I had fish fingers yesterday. 2 fish fingers. 57cal each. It’s the least I’ve had for… for it seems like forever.
I don’t know whether I’m happy or sad about that.

mwah ha ha ha! home alone! not that it’ll do me much good, but…
so today, my husband’s mother is in hospital. they let me home early to look after my son while my husband and everyone else is in seeing her. blah blah.. long story. not interesting. won’t bore you.

i’m going strong on 1200 cals a day. yay me! (sarcasm). today i won’t do it. they can force me. my husband can’t. he’s bought me a ready-meal. i’ll dispose of it. if he doesn’t believe me, then i don’t care – what can he do about it?! nothing!
it won’t help in the long run. i know that. but at least if i can go for this one night without eating, i will feel i have won something. maybe it’s the smallest most insignificant battle in the world, but it’s something

i don’t even like most of the other girls there. they really piss me off. they are stupid, immature children who love the attention. i am convinced that they want to be there. they don’t even seem to understand their own disease.. their own selves! it frustrates and saddens me simultaneously. i want them to grow up and understand, but also, i hope they live long enough to grow up and understand.

i don’t know how much weight i’ve put on. i’m considering going out to the gym where i can weigh myself and find out, but i can’t decide… i don’t know if i can do that to myself – let myself see the numbers.. it would probably destroy me.
should i do it?

i haven’t been on in ages because he won’t let me on the computer. i can only get on in exceptional circumstances. will try to come on as often as i can.

STAYSTRONGEVERYONE.DOITFORMEBUTMAINLYFORYOURSELF

even if they make me fat. even if they make me eat chips, and full-fat yogurt, even if they get me to a healthy weight. they will not have won because they will not change me inside.