carrie120505

To wake up paralyzed and know that it’s going to pass, but to just sit there for (sometimes) hours and be immobile.
To know that, even if I sleep, I won’t really sleep and I will wake up tired and sore.
To feel pain if I do too much, to feel pain if I do too little, to feel pain if I do just enough.

And this, and more, are my life.
I fear flares, I lose hope frequently, I want to crawl into a hole sometimes and just believe that this is a dream, no, a nightmare from which I’ll wake up any minute NOW!

I live in the hopes that people will meet me, like me, know that fibromyalgia is real, grow to better understand chronic pain and when someone says to them, “I was just diagnosed with fibromyalgia” they can in turn say, “I know a woman LIVING with fibromyalgia… She’s great! You should meet her!” And compassion and understanding will be the word rather than, “oh, it’s all in your head.”

I want to LIVE with this condition and be someone strong… I think I will be someday :).

-Carrie.

9 psych hospitalizations since I was sixteen (eight years).
at least 15 different psych meds.
Several different “official diagnoses”

And today it seems I live with PTSD, severe anxiety disorder, major depression, fibromyalgia, bulimia (recovering), alcoholism (recovering), insomnia, suicidal ideations/tendencies, self injurious tendencies, PMDD, possibly some kind of dissociative disorder, etc.

I sometimes feel a little doomed, like my mind is going to swallow me up and I will officially join the ranks of the living dead, days numbered until I finally disintegrate in some kind of mental death-trap and die there.

I am more afraid of myself than I am of anything… And I don’t wanna live that way.

I’m determined not to!

-Carrie.

Literally, when I cry, I count tears… I normally make it to six and then stop myself.

I don’t think I’ve ever once just let myself cry. I get terrified that, if I start and just let myself keep going, I will never stop.

People talk about how “cleansing” and “freeing” crying is… I have no idea what they mean. All I feel after I cry is ugly.

I hope to change that!

-Carrie.