carrottop101

I think I have lived all my life to make everyone else happy.Doing this I have become a bitter,negative,gossipy,judgemental person. I am always putting on a happy face for everyone. Letting people think I can do it all and get mad when noone offers help. I allow people to use me which gives me the impression that they really do appreciate me. I think I sabatoge any possible real friendship with anyone.I always try to be “perfect” and I hate myself for it. I look at people in my life and look for everything they do wrong so i can secretly tell myself I can be proud that “I” am not like that or “I” wouldn’t do such a thing. The more I tell myself that the more I hate myself for it. I want to be better for myself. I hope that if I put myself first and really did it I would get myself out of this bottomless hole of patheticness(real word?). I dwell on not allowing myself to enjoy being young and not experiance life as most young people do and going to college and doing something to be proud of. I feel like I need to compete all the time,but I never finish because I’m afraid of the outcome. Apart of me doesn’t want to post this for the sole reason that someone else could read and know how I really feel and that’s scary to me. I know I need to(post) to start to “better myself”.