cathyisme

yeah! happy im quite a few steps away from success. clear skin! hopefully it will regain my confidence back.

two years ago, my goal is to find a job overseas. i thought i cannot find happiness anymore with my country (companies pay so low with degree holders)

around 2010, i found a job overseas. it sucked and i left after 4 months. i prayed to find another job again and had a lot of obstacles before i can finally get another one. after another 4 months of unemployment, found another job. im 6 months already in this job and i feel i want to quit again.

something inside me is telling, i am quite fed up already. i want to do something other than this job. i figured it has something to do with my boss.

my boss. everytime we go for a meeting, he always have a way to tell me how bad my responses are, that i am a mistake magnet and i do not decide well with my tasks. as i quote, “i am not in a good position yet on which he can trust me about anything”

this made me so confused on whether i would still like to work there.

and so every time i wanted to iron things out, i always make sure it pleases him but i still fail. i am so afraid of failing and hearing another word from him.

i know this is too bad but seriously saying to stop these do not really make me stop thinking at all. coz everytime i deny, as soon as i come back to work, i get dazed and i panic after he asks me several questions about my work! and this is another phobia that i am quite struggling.

the job that i am doing is not the degree that i learned in college. everything that i do i have to learn it on my own. im a mistake magnet because i basically do everything thru trial and error. honestly i dont know anymore if i still want to pursue in this field. im in internet marketing btw.

although i must admit that i love designing. web designing. my skills are not excellent though as companies would hire more other great people than me. so if i quit, i am left with another black hole.

and then i start again with my struggling cycle. and then, im left with the question, is there really a job that doesnt feel like a job? if so what is it? what do i really want to do with my life? how can i work but still enjoy and still be a financially independent person?

the entry doesnt end here but i need to stop.

Hi its been a while! We havent spoken since two years ago? I cant barely remember. Its not like we see each other in person.

Two years can really make a difference. I once thought that we have that ‘something’ all because of those wonderful conversations we had. I felt I created a bold statement in my head that says, ‘Im not ready to mingle yet’ thus whenever opportunity comes, I usually back away.

Now I think we have to put an end into our supposed to be story. I felt the need to close the book now. You when? When I realized that you have moved on already with another girl. But that’s okay really, Im still glad that I didnt feel any strong emotion when I learned the news. I just suddenly jumped into the acceptance phase - which is still amazes me.

I guess Im really getting older and mature now.

Thank you and goodbye, M.

ps. omg its not two years, its only a year lol i just read my previous letters to u here in 43 things. its seems forever already, i know.