catluva

Well, another goal down! It was hard, tiring, and stressful, but I managed to successfully defend my thesis proposal. Now I actually qualify for a Master’s degree. But we’re not stopping here. Next stop, Ph.D.!

So, I’m now going to be defending my proposal on November 21st. I’m currently still trying to finish my proposal and submit it to my committee as well as submitting it for a fellowship application. I have mounds and mounds of reading and work to do before then!

I finally took a yoga class after 6 years. I brushed the dust off of my 3 year old, un-used yoga mat and went to a class at the school gym. It felt good to be moving again. But, man the downward facing dog kicked my ass just like it did before. Everything else is great, but I swear it gets to the point where I feel like, if she calls the dog one more time, I’m gonna scream. Or kill her. Something.

After three months of waiting, and waiting, and waiting I found out that I PASSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah! Now on to the defense of my thesis proposal, the last hurdle to pass before doing a couple more years of research so I can write and defend my thesis.

I’ve gone through rough patches in the past, when I don’t really want to see people. It has to do with fear. For most of the time that I have been in graduate school, it has gotten much worse. I even went for probably a year without really speaking to my oldest friend. I have known her for 15 years. I saw her last Christmas, but otherwise I hadn’t talked to her. Last month, I decided to write her a very heartfelt and open letter. And she, being my best friend, responded with caring and understanding. When I went home on labor day to see my mom and her family, I got to hang out with her again. That’s one friend that I have again, and the most important.

So I decided to go to the yearly gathering of my father’s family. Everyone is spread across the country, so this is the only opportunity to see my grandmother, aunts and uncles, and cousins all in one place. I wasn’t ready to go yet. I didn’t know what I was going to say to them about my absence. But in the end, I decided to go even if I was uncomfortable because my 2005 absence meant that I hadn’t seen my family in 2 years. And if I skipped this time, that would make 3 years when the next event comes around. But I was so uncertain of it the whole time that I couldn’t even call. I took the bus out there. I even took the ferry. But when I got there, it took me about an hour to actually leave the station and head over to the house. So, they didn’t know that I was coming until I walked up to the house. It was very emotional, and everyone was happy to see me, and I felt the same for them. Even though I couldn’t bring myself to have the talk that I want to have with my father, I’m happy that I went. But I also felt out of place with my own family, which was weird. But at least the door is now open. Now I just need to follow up on it.

Still waiting for results. grrrrrrrrrrr.

I’m not very confident about this exam. Its now four days away. Ten and a half hours of me versus three questions. I just want to get through this. But I honestly don’t know if I’m going to make it. I’m my own worst enemy.

I found a gym to go to. Now all I need is a little time. Can’t wait for July.

Being a child of parents that never married and hated each other by the time I was born, this is an especially important goal for me. But, like other things, it will have to wait for the future. There’s lots of things I need to do to prepare myself first. And I’d like to finish my degree before I think about having children.

Wow. I really didn’t think that losing weight would be one of my goals. It sounds really bad to other people for me to complain about my weight because I’m fairly skinny. But I’ve weight the same amount since I left high school 11 years ago +/- 3 pounds on any given day. So I haven’t done anything to watch my weight. I always knew that time would eventually catch up with me as I got older and my metabolism would slow down. Now that time is here, I guess. On three occasions in the last four weeks, I tried on something that I haven’t worn in a long time and found it very tight or difficult to get into. It took both my cousin and I to zip me into my dress (a side zipper) before my Aunt’s wedding. I hadn’t tried it on beforehand, of course, because it fit fine last summer! That led me to get on the scale and find that I have gained 10 pounds since starting graduate school. The thing making me freak out even more is that I come from a family where almost every woman is overweight or obese. The funny thing is I got a membership back in September of last year to my school gym, and haven’t had the motivation to use it yet. I’ve got to get motivated.

I have three years to go, so I don’t have much to say on this yet. Just focusing on my exam after that defending my thesis proposal.

This is crazy. There’s so much to study, and too little time. And I have no clue what questions are going to be asked. It feels like such a huge hurdle to get over. I don’t like this feeling, but I don’t think I’m as motivated as I need to be right now. But time is running out. Its now or never.