cavmeister

I have got to be one of the worst procrastinators ever. Indicisive, and consistently stagnating in life. Always angry with myself and feeling useless for not having made more progress in life. Hopelessly disorganised, late, and always full of guilt.

Today was a bad day at work. I’m really tired of my job (and possibly my entire field) and this is having an even bigger effect on my usual procrastination. I feel quite useless at work at the moment and few people are taking any interest in what I’m doing. I’m back to my most hated position – stuck in a corner with tasks to do by yourself.

I just couldn’t motivate myself today, got very very little done as I couldn’t focus on the tasks at hand. Kept finding any kind of distraction (my lateral thinking never helps with this).

Usually my lack of progress makes me feel really guilty so I stay late to try and make up for it (sometimes stupidly late if there is a deadline). Its always the same story, unless there is great pressure, I can’t seem to get going.

I know I need a change of scene jobswise but I’ve no idea where my next move is. I’m also scared that if I can’t get over thsi and train myself to be focused and professional about work, how am I going to be any better off in a different job? That in itself could just be a barrier to procrastinate in the task of finding a new job…

I’m tired of going nowhere. I want to acheive some things in my life before it’s all gone. I HAVE to find a way to tackle this problem, to condition myself to just attack things and really focus on them. I’m no use to anyone the way I was today (and the way I am a lot)....

Went to bed at a resonable hour. My girlfriend stayed round last night. She was giving a friend a lift to the airport before she went to work. She had to be up at 5.45 to head off (feel bad for her as she does this a lot).

Hot night too so niether of us slept that well.

My alarm went off at 7. I kept driting off to sleep again thinking “I won’t go back to sleep, I’ll just snooze and get up in a few minutes”. Snooze on an alarm doesn’t help either, you just keep pressing it as the time doesn’t really register. You keep doing it until you’ve not left enough time….

I think the only way is just to condition yourself to get up, when the alarm goes off and just sit for a bit, while the sleep wears off. Will give this a go for the rest of the week.

OK. Have slipped back into old ways. It’s not been too bad (5-10 minutes late for work) until today.

I was back at my house last night and not staying with my girlfried. Now, the weird thing is I’m much closer to work as I live in the same town. The journey from hers is around 1hr 20minute minimum.

So, how does this happen. Well, when I’m on my own, I stay later at work (mainly because of procrastination during the day and wanting to catch up). I then get back late, don’t eat properly and want some time to unwind so I stay up late, fall asleep on the couch because of over-tiredness and wake up in the early hours with a bad neck ache and crawl up to bed, fall asleep before setting an alarm and then finally wake up at about 8:50 or worse, ring in with pathetic excuse and commence the cycle again….... It’s exhausting just writing it.

I think the root of my problems is that I procrastinate on absolutely everything and just don’t take good care of myself.

With my girlfriend, I tend to go to bed with her at a sensible hour which helps immensely. I also tend to cook for her and in doing so, eat better and take care of myself. I also leave work more on time to get to hers (again to spend more time with her).

She’s not ready for me to move in, but that’s beside the point. I have to learn better self-respect to take care of myself. There should be no reason I can’t apply the same struture to my life at home.

I think I have some underlying irrational beliefs that I’ve got from growing up which may need to be addressed at some point, but for now…. lets see if I can get into work on time for the rest of the week.

I’m going to try and aim to be everywhere 10 minutes before I actually want to be there. This might help a bit as my calculations for how long things take me are always wrong. I always think I can fit more in than I can.

I’m also going to try and condition myself to “just leave already”. I tend to worry that I haven’t done enough of the things I should have done before leaving and so leave late. That needs to stop. Whatever it is, just has to be put off. A matter or prioritising what is urgent/imminent over what is important but non-urgent.

We shall see. One day I’ll get there… and hopefully stop pissing off everyone in my life.