caz0rz




I'm doing 25 things
 

How I did it
How to make a short film
It took me
5 months
It made me
Happy!


Recent entries
Be the best Mum I can be (read all 2 entries…)
Material Things don't equal LOVE.

I have this fear – that my child will be the ‘smelly’ kid at school. That he’ll be bullied for being ‘weird’ and different. I know I shouldn’t be thinking about these things when he’s only so young – and we’re not even set on sending him to school just yet – but I can’t help it.

I watched a documentary about parenting a few nights ago on BBC Three and one Mum was holding down three jobs just to buy her children whatever their heart’s desired. The thing is, they weren’t happy once she had bought them everything they wanted from the various toy shops.

I remember having leaky shoes and often times never having socks as a child. I remember my Mum skipping meals so we could eat. I remember being poor and it scares me that my child will have to go through that. My childhood was feeling a bit cold and a bit hungry but always knowing you were loved. My parents weren’t great with budgets or paying off their debts (I remember several times having to switch the TV off and hide when various people came to our door asking for money.)

At the time, it was a bit of fun, however when I look back now I can’t believe how thinly stretched my parents must have truly been. My Mum always had a job, my Dad always had two jobs. It was crazy and it still seems crazy to me. I’ve learned to NEVER get into debt – and so far I’ve managed it (other than student loan debt.)

I don’t take out credit cards, I don’t buy things on credit and I most certainly don’t buy things I can’t afford. We never go on holiday as a family because we can’t afford it right now. I don’t live for the thrills and pay the consequences later; I think things through carefully. And it’s this thinking through carefully that I am worried about; I worry I hold on too tight to my cash. I hate spending money because I fear it will all disappear.

I know that material things don’t equal love and I know I’d rather be debt free than up to my neck in problems.



Be the best Mum I can be (read all 2 entries…)
It's not difficult to be good.

It’s not a difficulty to be a good Mum, but it’s hard to benchmark the good.

You could be doing everything you think and feel is right all to learn you’re doing it wrong – that is the nature of parenting.

I was reading a book about a very dedicated mother who cared for her daughter for 17 years and although she was entirely dedicated and caring, she felt there were things she’d done wrong and things she wanted to do differently. I was shocked to read that because I’m not sure that there’s much more she could have done – and for the first time in a long time gave me hope about humanity.

I think my own Mum gave up on doctors and health care professionals because she was scared to rock the boat after my brother nearly died from a serious illness. I think as well that she didn’t expect illness – or that if illness occurred then everyone recovered from it. As I know now that is just not true. I’m still recovering from a tissue infection I developed last year and I’m fighting every day with new infections and illnesses, but I’m trying to be a good parent. Even on days where all I do is throw up, I’m trying to do what I think is the best.

Part of that is also looking after myself and a lot of past generations didn’t do that – they always put the children first, sometimes to the detriment of a relationship or themselves. I think that’s a counter-productive action in a ‘good’ parent as kids can become very selfish and expect a lot from parents who are willing to behave this way.



share my feelings (read all 2 entries…)
On: Anger.

I watched my son explode into fits of rage the other day. The first part of him to fall down on the ground was his body; head first, then the legs began to flail helplessly around. Communication through kicking. And punching at the air.

Screaming began and I didn’t know what to do. His anger and frustration is fairly fresh and without proper lines of communication through talking I can’t really ever properly deduce what is going on with him and what got him to this stage of annoyance.

Is he annoyed? Is he angry? Is he frustrated? Or is it all three? It’s really hard to tell so I boil it down to all three emotions, with a heavy inclination towards frustration.

I lost my voice last week. I had to use the patchy sign language that I learned as a girl and I made up some of my own signs because my sign language is terrible – and anyway, my husband has basic sign language understanding so it wouldn’t have been a lot of use.

I could croak out a few words of ‘yes’ and ‘no’ but that was fruitless as nodding your head is accepted in place of these two words anyway.

All in all I learned a lesson in not being able to communicate vocally. It is a huge problem for someone who is so used to being able to do so – and for someone who wants to communicate vocally.

Just as it is for my son. A lot of wires were crossed between me and my husband last week – I’m not afraid to say that because it pertains to my point. I couldn’t get my point across and it made me angry. One particular sign came in handy for moments like that ;).

I kept thinking; “He’s doing this on purpose, he’s using my illness and my inability to communicate as an excuse to wind me up.” Luckily I can say that this feeling was completely irrational but at the time it was very real.

It got me very angry and I tried to suppress that feeling. Then I thought about why I was even suppressing my feelings. I think it’s because I have shown my feelings, my anger in the past and even though I have never hurt others as a result of my anger (as far as I know) nor have I damaged property I have been treated as though I have gone too far in my rages.

Seeing the way other people react and respond to situations and seeing their own anger manifest itself I know I am someone not to worry about when it comes to anger. However I have always been treated as though I am a ticking time bomb.

Like I can’t have access to feelings of anger and have to completely close off those feelings. Does that make sense?

To me I find that silly.

I feel as though I have a right to my anger. And a right to express it. After all I do get angry but I am always one step ahead of that anger; I have to be because although I reject the constraints of the past, there has to be some limit to emotions. They can’t just rage on and never end, after all.



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