charoline

I took the 43 Things Personality Quiz and found out I’m aSelf-Improving Reinventing Self-Knower

Some days, I feel secure, loved, fortunate and beautiful. Today, I feel miserable. I have a problem with my self-esteem. I know for a fact that I am not ugly (in fact people seem to think i’m quite “pretty, beautiful, hot”) but most of the time, I am never good enough, pretty enough. I have an obsession with the way I look, how others view me, judge me; Yet i know, on days like these, I am my own worse judge. It scares me and it hurts me. I just need to be beautiful, to be loved, by myself and others. My boyfriend, he loves me sooo much…”beyond infinity, he can’t even process it himself”. Why am i so miserable?

I’m so preoccupied with comparing myself with others. In this particular time, with one of his exs ‘he didn’t even love’. Somedays, maybe to torture myself or make myself feel better, i spy on her pictures and think…”oh, she’s not that good looking, i’m actually better looking”. My delusional days! Other days, like today, I know and feel just so ugly in comparison. And this leads me to really distructive thoughts like, I don’t deserve his love, his company. He should just find her and be with her right now. This would all be over if i just died. Crazy huh? I just called the cosmetic surgery clinic. I want to fix my eyes, my nose, my lips. I have this need to be and look the best. it eats me up. Paralyses me.

I’ve read self help books and they have really helped. And I been in therapy and it really helped too. I know I am better than i use to be. this is one of my bad days. i just want to break away from it. But of course, only i myself lead me to this miserable place every single time. One word about my lips, or the shape of someone elses will make me feel so inferior and wanting to change me.

I like who i am. I can even say i love myself. i really do. I’m fairly smart, funny, loveable and quite successful and i know i’m a good person with a kind heart. But, none of that really matters to me. I judge myself physically constantly. And it seems to be getting worse.

I can range from having an over confident view of myself, a superior complex, to being this- Just a wreck. And when i look into the mirror (which i was scared to do today) all i see are the imperfections, what makes me ugly, what i can change, to be better.

I find it really hard to have relationships because of this. I don’t want to be a miserable unhappy person. i don’t want them to see this. But it comes out and they see it. And i think, i wonder what they see and think when they do, when i expose myself like this. And i know. It’s scary and crazy. Hard to be with, hard to make happy, and who wants that? Sometimes i convince myself that its EASIER to be alone because of this. But I want to share my life with someone i love.

So this is my journey. 2 steps forward, one step back, another step back, another step forward…

I know i can’t be perfect, but i want/need to be. I can love myself and be thankful for all the gifts God has actually showered on me. Just hard to think straight and be positive and thankful all the time.