chelmore

Well after week one I have to say that I’m pretty happy with my progress. I attended 3 yoga classes this week which is great as it’s up from 0. It’s always difficult to get to them since childcare is always an issue. But at least it gets me motivated and educated to practice at home.
I’m also thinking about doing a yoga retreat later this year to further motivate me.

I’ve had a battle with self esteem for as long as I can remember. I think a lot of it comes from things that happened when I was a child and I’ve been aware of that for some time. However awareness doesn’t do the work for you. Sometimes I think I’m caught in the trap of showing potential, taking positive steps then abandoning a goal before it’s possible/probable success. I’m not sure if I’m scared of achieving or failing – probably both.
When I do achieve I don’t celebrate just quickly move on to the next thing and or point out the flaws in the project.
I know this sort of behavior doesn’t build self esteem. I’m critical about myself and desperately scared of people getting close to me. I’ve been single for 5 years now.
I put up a fairly good front though as I guess we all do.

I feel overwhelmed about the amount of stuff I have to do…so I kinda put it all off. The house is always a mess and I have boxes of paperwork to go thru. Problem is it’s so damn boring. My latest idea is to PAY myself to do these tasks (albeit at a very stingy rate)! That sort of gets me more motivated. I want to live in a clean and tidy space, but I self sabotage that all the time by dumping things when I get home and not taking the time to put things where “they belong”. I am rebelling inside against my perfectionist mother who has a spotless house but what is that??? I’m almost 40!!