chelsuh

that i have danced professionally many times, i just never thought of it because nutcracker didn’t seem to count but i did dance several times with a company.

Being a perfectionist has always harmed me emotionally. I can’t help but be my own worst critic and take it to an extreme. I think it’s all just out of a fear of never being good enough to accomplish my dreams. I dream for big things..not for money or material things. I dream to dance my heart out on any stage in any company i want to. I dream that i can be famous, not because of the fame it would bring but the artistic freedom and attention that my creativity would get and the love i have for performing …so i could share that with the world. I just was born to perform and i want to do it but i have doubts that ill be as great as i want to be and that’s really hard for me to deal with. I also just always want to prove to myself that i can do better, be smarter…it’s not like i sit around saying i want to be perfect because im smart enough to know that that is just an unattainable ideal that is ridiculous. But i do sit around and think i want to be better than i am right now and so i kick my own ass to get somewhere and improve at everything…it’s just that i can’t control the extent of my ambition. I tend to be overly eager and end up talking badly to myself and making myself feel like i wont ever live up to anything so therefore i might as well just quit at life.

I mean lately, ive been getting better with all of this but perfectionism goes through cycles i think. Sometimes its not too bad but then days later it can be horrible and unbearable.

I dont know…sometimes i think that if i had someone that i was madly in love with and that loved me the same this all wouldn’t be as big of an issue.

It was so good, i really liked it and couldn’t put it down. I ended up reading it after my friend told me that he read it and liked it. AH soooo good.