chloedancing

That’s a question that comes back around, again and again. I have no answer, couldn’t even hazard a guess. There are too many other emotions and thoughts mixed up in my head and my heart to even begin to sort it out.

Maybe it’s a willingness to forgive, and to open your eyes and your heart, and work to overcome the hurts and miscommunications that occur. Maybe it’s valuing someone enough to listen to what they are saying, and stop trying to interpret it.

But how do you stay in a good place? Can you keep your mind open, even when you’re hurting? It’s hard, to tear down walls. It’s hard to look at yourself realistically and hear the things you don’t want to hear. You feel worthless and weak, and you want to fight back.

But I’m not worthless, and I’m not weak. And this is important enough to me to keep trying, even if you won’t acknowledge my effort, even when you speak out of anger and hurt. I’ve done the same to you. If I am willing to forgive you, and myself, then it doesn’t matter what you say or what spin I put on it. It is what it is.

If I stay in the moment, stay grounded, then I don’t need to defend myself – I don’t need to see you as attacking me and I don’t need to attack you. I don’t need to rehash the past, it’s done, there’s no changing it now. There is only the clearing up of miscommunication and healing of old hurts.

If I stay open hearted and loving, then I can let everything go. I can look to people I admire, and see how they move through the world, and learn from their example.

I would like to say all these things to you, but more than that I would like to put these things into action, to demonstrate to you the affection and respect I have for you. You make me want to be a better person. Maybe that is love.

So in my last post I wrote what seems to be a pretty good definition of codependancy. And, not surprisingly, the relationship imploded a short time later. It’s both of our responsibilities I think, but it opened my eyes to the fault lines in my own soul. Apparently I’m carrying around more baggage than I realized. So I’m retreating for awhile to have a good long think about what I need to do, and what I need to learn to let go of.

I reread that last post, and all the great comments (thank you everyone btw) and started to think about the root of my trouble. It’s fear, plain and simple – a lack of trust, lack of the confidence to communicate clearly, maybe a lack of self-awareness. It’s reacting unthinkingly, rather than mindfully. Somewhere, way back in the day, I found myself in a place that was dangerous and hurtful. At that time, I lacked the tools to evaluate the situation clearly, so I internalized that feeling of powerlessness, and turned it into self loathing. With no other solution obvious to me, I built defenses. This isn’t all bad, because I decided at some point that I wanted to live, and if I was going to live, I needed to learn to fight back. So I did.

But there comes a point where fighting back becomes lashing out first. It becomes a habit to assume that everyone is untrustworthy, because you do not trust in yourself – to see clearly or to have the strength to say ‘no, this is not acceptable treatment, I’m going now’. Somewhere in that mix of fear and self-doubt, there is a desire to love and be loved. But the old line is true – first you have to love yourself.

It hit me hard today seemingly from out of the blue – what a basket case I am! – and for a minute I was tempted to slide back into that old groove of self-loathing and doubt. And then I realized that I am not the person I once was. I have the experience of years behind me now, and I have the tools to see myself more clearly and do something positive. I’m still not happy with the person I’ve become, but in realizing that I still like myself. I can still point to the good things about myself and feel hopefull and ready keep the best of what’s already there and only change what needs changing.

And now, back to my island.

I’ve been feeling like I’d lost my lightness of being, my sense of happiness and contentment. Wondering why, I started to ponder. I met someone a few months ago, started dating, started to fall in love with him. And then started to feel…dependant on him I guess. The relationship didn’t feel as good as it had at the beginning, and I wondered why. Overanalyzing is my speciality so I pondered deeper – what had changed? what could I do to get things back to the way they were at first? Was he losing interest in me? Had he realized that I wasn’t all that great after all?

And then today I realized what had happened – I entered into the relationship a whole person, complete in myself and happy with my life. And then I gave away my sense of self worth, stopped looking inward for validation and started defining my worth by whether or not this person liked me. This created a void which required the other person to fill it. When he didn’t do so in the manner I wished him to, I started to question my own worth and attractiveness. Looking back I can see how when I was complete in and of myself, I was kinder, happier, had peace of mind. I was able to look outward and interact with others from a position of confidence. I was grounded. Giving away that sense of validation, creating that void, had left me in a place where I became needy and bitchy and jealous, all feelings of despair based on a need for someone else to like me so that I would feel whole and worthwhile again.

When that revelation came it was an ‘ah ha!’ and also a ‘d’oh!’. It’s not about him, it’s about me. It’s also not a game to play, to try and win affection or attention by acting a certain way or retreating. It’s about defining boundaries and having a clear sense of self worth. Being an island so to speak. Independant of what anyone else thinks of me, what matters is what I think of myself.

And now, I’m off, to practice reclaiming my internal validation, thereby filling the void and eliminating the problem.