That’s a question that comes back around, again and again. I have no answer, couldn’t even hazard a guess. There are too many other emotions and thoughts mixed up in my head and my heart to even begin to sort it out.
Maybe it’s a willingness to forgive, and to open your eyes and your heart, and work to overcome the hurts and miscommunications that occur. Maybe it’s valuing someone enough to listen to what they are saying, and stop trying to interpret it.
But how do you stay in a good place? Can you keep your mind open, even when you’re hurting? It’s hard, to tear down walls. It’s hard to look at yourself realistically and hear the things you don’t want to hear. You feel worthless and weak, and you want to fight back.
But I’m not worthless, and I’m not weak. And this is important enough to me to keep trying, even if you won’t acknowledge my effort, even when you speak out of anger and hurt. I’ve done the same to you. If I am willing to forgive you, and myself, then it doesn’t matter what you say or what spin I put on it. It is what it is.
If I stay in the moment, stay grounded, then I don’t need to defend myself – I don’t need to see you as attacking me and I don’t need to attack you. I don’t need to rehash the past, it’s done, there’s no changing it now. There is only the clearing up of miscommunication and healing of old hurts.
If I stay open hearted and loving, then I can let everything go. I can look to people I admire, and see how they move through the world, and learn from their example.
I would like to say all these things to you, but more than that I would like to put these things into action, to demonstrate to you the affection and respect I have for you. You make me want to be a better person. Maybe that is love.