ckloie0

it’s not that i’m only realizing now that i don’t know what i want to do with my life. i have always been sort of clueless all these years. maybe the fact that i’m going to turn 25 in 2 months makes me think about heavy stuff like this. i can’t even fill out all the slots here in 43 things because i really don’t know what i want.

two days from now is my 4th anniversary to the company and i’ve been here since graduation. i don’t know what i feel. it’s like i’m just going with the flow. i had calls from other companies for interviews but i just don’t know what’s holding me back. sometimes i want to leave for a lot of reasons but i keep on staying even if i can’t give any reason why i chose to stay. it’s like i see no point in either staying or leaving so i’m just not moving on.

am i contented to this life? do i not have dreams or big goals? do i not want to achieve anything great? do i want a simple life? i don’t want to end up regretting that i didn’t do something to help me live the life that i want whatever it is that i want.

These past 2 weeks, there has been restructuring in my job that just causes too much stress not only to me but my co-workers and they admitted they are also experiencing stressful times these days.

thus, the “what if i smoke” question sometimes crosses my mind as well as the over confident statement “i’m never going to get hooked again even if i start smoking again”. but i guess i’m just now that much of a risk taker to try again.

last night when i got off work, i waited for more than 30 mins outside our building for my boyfriend who was 30 mins late. i hate waiting but i noticed that i have increased patience because four months ago, if i am waiting, i would light up a cigarette in a minute. if i finish the cigarette, i’ll light another one after three minutes at most of waiting. i was easily bored and impatient.
but last night, i stood there for 30 minutes in the non-smoking side of the building while constantly checking my phone for a text message and drinking my bottled iced tea. i felt angry because he made me wait but i felt proud because i wasn’t tempted to smoke. to be honest, i even enjoyed waiting because it validated that fact that i don’t need or want to smoke anymore to ease boredom. i can see people smoking just 50 steps from me on the other side and i didn’t feel the need to join them. in fact, it would be soo easy for me to buy a cigarette and a lighter and smoke. i just don’t want to.

4 months ago, I was struggling to take cigarettes out of my head. now i can’t remember why i even smoked them in the first place.

it’s a love-hate relationship for me and my credit cards. I love it when I get to pay them on time and get really nice perks like gift certificates and even cash backs. I hate them when something’s wrong and I miscalculate or pay less or miss a payment and having to pay interest. i really hate them when they miscalculate something like crediting my waived annual fee or even not agreeing to wave my annual fees. Anyways, i’ve been a good girl lately and i feel it paying off. it really pays off to keep track of debt because at the end of the month, i’m not surprised seeing my statements and not baffled as to where my money went.