ckloie0

i now know what i want and i realize that i want a lot. :-)

how’d i do it?

sometimes, when i just think about these stuff myself, I can’t think of any. but when i talk to friends about these, sometimes it just falls into place and i realize things that i can’t realize all by myself.

1. earn more – i want to quit my job and find a job in singapore. I
2. get certified – i am doing it this month. ready or not i will be prepared for this exam
3. lose weight – at least 10 pounds this year
4. save 30K this year
5. give to the poor
6. never start smoking again

it’s not that i’m only realizing now that i don’t know what i want to do with my life. i have always been sort of clueless all these years. maybe the fact that i’m going to turn 25 in 2 months makes me think about heavy stuff like this. i can’t even fill out all the slots here in 43 things because i really don’t know what i want.

two days from now is my 4th anniversary to the company and i’ve been here since graduation. i don’t know what i feel. it’s like i’m just going with the flow. i had calls from other companies for interviews but i just don’t know what’s holding me back. sometimes i want to leave for a lot of reasons but i keep on staying even if i can’t give any reason why i chose to stay. it’s like i see no point in either staying or leaving so i’m just not moving on.

am i contented to this life? do i not have dreams or big goals? do i not want to achieve anything great? do i want a simple life? i don’t want to end up regretting that i didn’t do something to help me live the life that i want whatever it is that i want.

These past 2 weeks, there has been restructuring in my job that just causes too much stress not only to me but my co-workers and they admitted they are also experiencing stressful times these days.

thus, the “what if i smoke” question sometimes crosses my mind as well as the over confident statement “i’m never going to get hooked again even if i start smoking again”. but i guess i’m just now that much of a risk taker to try again.

last night when i got off work, i waited for more than 30 mins outside our building for my boyfriend who was 30 mins late. i hate waiting but i noticed that i have increased patience because four months ago, if i am waiting, i would light up a cigarette in a minute. if i finish the cigarette, i’ll light another one after three minutes at most of waiting. i was easily bored and impatient.
but last night, i stood there for 30 minutes in the non-smoking side of the building while constantly checking my phone for a text message and drinking my bottled iced tea. i felt angry because he made me wait but i felt proud because i wasn’t tempted to smoke. to be honest, i even enjoyed waiting because it validated that fact that i don’t need or want to smoke anymore to ease boredom. i can see people smoking just 50 steps from me on the other side and i didn’t feel the need to join them. in fact, it would be soo easy for me to buy a cigarette and a lighter and smoke. i just don’t want to.

4 months ago, I was struggling to take cigarettes out of my head. now i can’t remember why i even smoked them in the first place.