claudiajane

I told some I love you too, once. My heart was sinking as I was saying it; I knew I was lying and felt absolutely horrible as the words were coming out of my mouth. I knew I was only saying it because I felt it was the polite thing to do. In regards to sincerity it was the emotional equivalent of saying “good, thanks!” when someone asks “how are you doing?”. I think he believed me at the moment. In the end it didn’t matter, things didn’t work out.

Anyways, I have a firm resolve for my next relationship to be with someone whom is capable of and wants to love and care about me as much as I will them. Until God, fate, the universe grants me that person I will be fine being alone, thanks.

I secretly hate coming home because the room I rent is a disaster! It really is the worst/messiest room I’ve ever had in my entire life. Most likely due to the following reasons:

A. I’m lazy- never put away my clothes/papers/books/make up, leave everything in heaps/scattered on every flat surface (bed/desk/ floor/bed)
B. The room is really SMALL! I have a twin size bed on one side, a full size desk on the other side and there isn’t even enough space between them to do the splits. so sad =(

I really want to move into a bigger place but I still need to clean up this place first! Can’t show it if it’s a great big jumble of my belongings.

So TODAY I am CLEANING MY ROOM!
A. Laundry- washing everything (clothes/bed linen/towels) since I don’t know what’s clean and what’s not since everything is in a huge heap on the floor. Putting my fresh clothes/linens in their proper place- my closet!
B. Vacuuming the carpet
C. Dusting my desk/shelves/blinds- yay for lavender scented swifter cloths! If I get really ambitious I may even wipe down my walls…
D. Throwing out all the junk/trash/old stuff
E. Moving my toiletries to their proper homes in the bathroom!
F. Going through all my school work/supplies/etc

I’m off from work today so this is going to get done! I refuse to leave the house before this is complete. I’m already excited to finish this and begin enjoying a super clean/fresh smelling/slightly more spacious room =)

Actually managed to send my mom a card and have it arrive on time! I even wrote an actual message on the inside. Called and chatted a bit. Basically asked for her blessing to go visit home for a week or two. Permission granted! I’ve come to realize that I like talking to my mom/parents in general. We share similar neuroses so they understand why I get strung out about certain things/ruminate over seemingly insignificant nothings for half an hour. I’m also becoming less afraid to call them and ask for help. I always felt that I had to do everything on my own or else I would be a huge failure and cause them undue stress, disappointment. Not true. On a side note, I’m beginning to believe there’s an inverse correlation between the frequency of my calls home and parental lectures; interesting.

Just finished Eat, Pray, Love. I’ve been secretly wanting to read this book for forever… but it was always checked out at the library! Finally! Some good stuff, some blah stuff… I don’t feel compelled to own it but I am glad I read it.

Mom’s birthday on tuesday. Mailed the card in advance (miracle!), arrived on saturday. Called her tuesday, briefly exchanged niceties. Texted my brother on easter and spoke to him again on tuesday. Nothing new going on really. I feel like we (my immediate family) don’t keep in touch frequently because we have nothing too positive, exciting to really share with each other. We never speak to each other about our problems and our lives are full of problems… I think that’s one reason why I don’t want to visit them. I do genuinely miss them but it’s so much easier to dodge uncomfortable questions/lie on the phone then in person. I’ve thought about writing them… once you send a letter there’s no reclaiming it but I don’t know if I’m really brave enough. I don’t know how much of my life I would want to share with them. I don’t know if they would even want to know.

This evening I started and finished The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls. Read it!

Yay I finally opened an account on Mint!!! It was super easy and it is nice to see where my money is going. Super depressing to see how I have negative net worth (ugh student loan debt!).

I actually called my parents wed night and spoke to them for an hour and a half. It was really surprising. Just talked about work, wtf my plan is for life right now. I mostly talked to my dad- he likes to ramble, i like to ramble. He also doesn’t take things to seriously, he figures as long as I’m alive and doing something I’ll be okay. Spoke to my mom for like 20 mins- she usually makes me irritated- just constantly critical or totally blase. I blame my interest in women’s studies on her. My lack of strong female role models in my formative years made me embrace women’s studies in college. Anyway I told them both I probably wouldn’t visit again until June- I don’t think they were too surprised.

Finished revisiting Little Women on April 2nd. I read most of it in March though. I’m counting April as 0/2 right now.

so i’ve been searching on CL for opportunities. i’m pretty lazy but finally realized so are the people hiring and if i really am serious about getting another job i absolutely need to buckle down and write up a resume!

however, yesterday the retail store i did stock for during the holidays called me and offered me a sales position- talk about good luck/fate/whatever. i did hate working there 35% of the time, honestly retail just isn’t my cup of tea- i’m not that great at “selling”- but i accepted anyway. i figure it’ll be sweet getting paid once a week (plus sales bonuses hopefully!), having a discount (not that i used it much but you never know), and it’s only 10-15 hrs a week so I can still keep my other job which i like 85% of the time! on a personal note i think it’ll be good to be a bit busier, less time to waste on going out/spending money/partying. and since my student loan payments are kicking in i really could use the extra cash. conclusion- yay for not burning my bridges and being a good employee =)

side note: im not counting this as “done” until i’m actually scheduled to work/am working there consistently.

I did get my free credit report from experian. It said everything was good! No defaults on any of my accounts which was a relief to see. I really need to buy my credit score but I’m a little worried to find out how low it probably is. My credit cards are basically maxxed out from living off them junior year. Paid my first federal student loan payment, my first citibank student loan payment is coming up soon- yay for not missing those! I had really been neglecting paying attention to due dates/etc and kind of hoping they would magically disappear/i could magically disappear. Also paid off my hospital bill about a month ago, such a relief to not have to worry about that anymore. My goal is try and budget better, cut down on going out/general consumption so I can put the extra money towards paying off my credit cards, bills. As much as I love being able to go have fun with my friends it gets soooo ridiculously expensive and I hate the thought of having to hit my parents up for cash.

February was an EPIC FAIL. I read one book, it was assigned. So far March is 0/2, six days left! I’ve been secretly craving to reread Little Women. It was my absolute favorite book in grade school- I just want to see if it still resonates with me.

Finished The Kite Runner. Good, depressing.

Finished Revolutionary Road last week, yay! I haven’t seen the film and frankly wasn’t really interested in reading it but I received it from my dad over the holidays so I felt obligated. I actually ended up enjoying it and now I’ve passed it along to my mom. Not feeling compelled whatsoever to see the movie though, I just don’t want to ruin this fresh experience!

Next up is The Kite Runner, just barely getting into that one. Considerably longer but I figure I might as well knock it out while I’m home recovering from my wisdom teeth removal. Also gifted to me by my dad awhile back so it’s about time I get to it.

I used to read sooo much before I got to college it was really depressing when I realized that I couldn’t remember the last novel I had read that wasn’t required reading. Went through my old belongings- so many books that I bought/received over the past three years that I haven’t even opened, so many sad, unloved books! I’m promising myself that I won’t purchase anymore (really can’t afford it anyway!) until I’ve read everything that I already have and I’ve hit up the SB library.