clowntoe

Babies are fantastic after 8 weeks. However, I recommend putting away all sharp cutlery in the first 8 weeks – not for the child’s sake, but for your own. You will consider sawing your head off and throwing it into a nearby river, stream, or even creek. Also, if you are a man, you will spend hours at night wondering what sorts of lubrication would be necessary to send the child back to the womb, where it must obviously belong.

That said, once you make it past, there’s no looking back and it’s downright awesome. So awesome that we’re actually already trying for another. We’re just using chopsticks for knives.

I give up on being relaxed. If you dare mock me for failing, I swear to you, I will kill you with a ridiculously jagged knife and I will eat your soul for a tasty snack. I just kicked my own face in and I will not hesitate to rip your curtains or possibly stain your rug purposefully in an attempt to disrespect you.

Don’t even think about trying to calm me down, as I have already given up.

I’ve decided keeping my existing car makes much more sense than buying a brand new car which is biodiesel. I drive about 3000 miles per year, so the petroleum savings are minimal compared to the energy it takes to build and make the market for the new car. Not only that, but I drank a pint of biodiesel and it gave me the shits.