I’ve been losing weight, but not in the right way. I’ve got no appetite whatsoever, which has caused me to lose weight even though I’ve been pretty much staying under the blankets 24/7.
Bad way to lose weight, trust me. I’m lost on what to do now, when I can’t even go outside and don’t have the motivation to do… anything.
Entries
Have been doing horrible here. I haven’t been getting out of bed much (and even less so when there are people downstairs) and when I do, it’s simply to sit behind the computer. I’m not eating unless I truly and honestly hurt, and I’ve been having major difficulties even getting out of the house with my agoraphobia getting worse and worse.
I’m turning into a real social recluse, and I don’t even want to do anything about it.
I don’t think I’ve ever tried to really taken care of myself. And it’s getting increasingly hard to force myself to do it, too.
I think I might try and get to talk to a psychologist again. A big step for me, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I need to do something about my escapism.
As opposed to my other goals, this one’s been going quite well. I’m still lying, but I’m cutting back. This is having its effects; People don’t talk to me quite as much as before, because I don’t have the stories I used to have. I’m not as interesting now, I suppose.
Rock bottom? Climbing your way back up is hard.
Depression has had me locked inside the house, thus unable to get much excercise. I’ve even tried silly things like Wii Sports and, yes, DDR. But it all comes down to the fact that taking care of myself simply results in me breaking down and crying. And it’s hard to be working on losing weight while you’re a mess on my livingroom floor. Bah.
+10 kilos.
I’m not sure if this is an improvement. Instead of complaining less, something I promised myself to do months ago, I haven’t been talking to people at all.
I’ve been getting mad at them for missing the signs of my depression, because I haven’t been allowing myself to yap at them so much. I’ve even deserted some online places all together, because I realised that all I did there was whine and complain about my own life.
So far, no one’s really tried to pull me back into their little group. Funny how THAT is what I feel like complaining about now. Only now, I have no one left to complain to. Ironic.
... is a lot harder when you feel you’re being neglected off- and on-line, and you run out of ways to ask for attention.
Today: Failure.
I told myself, yesterday, to take a first step in losing weight today. Quite literally, since I had planned to walk at least half an hour every day, after waking up. This is very hard for me, since I’m agoraphobic, meaning that the sheer presence of other people often makes me want to run the other way, screaming. (Now that I think of it, that might’ve been a good exercise on its own! Ha.)
But today I went outside, even though it was a sunny day and there were extraordinarily many people out and about. As a result, I panicked and got lost. But as a result from that, I walked for about an hour, so twice what I’d planned. Does that still count? I say it does. Go me.
Can’t be too hard. It can even be a rough sketch. Just… something that I feel good enough about to upload to my DeviantART page.
Starting first thing in the morning.
I lie because I hope people will be able to tell the difference.
Only after so many years, I’ve become too good at it.
It’s time to stop living the double life.
Pretty much every day I think about it. No complaining anymore. I simply won’t allow it. And then there I go, head-first into a pityparty with only one person on the dancefloor. Hurrah.
Not tomorrow. After I go to sleep in a couple of minutes, then after I wake up, I will work on my goals and be proud of myself for once.
If just for a day. Maybe it will be the start to something new, eh?
This is what my mother told me, last time I saw her. The first thing she said. That’s what inspired me to start what I did today. A half an hour walk, every day from here on out. It’s simple, but it’s a start. Next; to start eating breakfast again, instead of merely dinner and soda.
Entries
