consequite

It’s worked out, and it’s all ok. I don’t want to relitigate the last few days, but we’re back together and it feels as though it’s stronger and more settled than ever.

That was it. That was as bad as it is ever going to get, and he came back, and we talked through it.

There are some lessons I’ll take away from this, about not making someone else your all (I was on that path again, without wanting to be, and without being honest with myself about it), and that ever-elusive concept of finding your own happiness, but I’m taking a breather for the next few days.

Thank you so much to everyone who left such supportive and caring comments. It was such a help.

P ended it,about two hours ago. I have a sick sense of deja vu. He told me that he couldn’t come to Canberra, because he couldn’t bear to leave the baby behind, and he won’t ask me to stay, because he couldn’t live with that either – he doesn’t want to hold me back. And he came to this earth-shattering conclusion all by his fucking self. And then he told me how much he loves me. I don’t understand how, in a partnership, you can do that.

He’s resolute, too, and as much as I love him, I’m not going to beg or plead or whine or list the reasons why this is worth it. He has talked himself into thinking that this is the only way, and he’s done so without even asking me, but just assuming what’s best.

I’m going to Canberra, I know that much. I spoke to my wonderful, wonderful parents, and they’re there to keep me on track. I’m going to sleep now and I hope I will wake up to strength and some perspective in all of this.

I feel ambivalent about the day this morning. P is upset and in a horrible mood, I left my laptop at home and had to go all the way back for it, and I have a headache. In light of that, I’ll take ambivalence over negativity. Shaking things up with a numbered (as opposed to bullet-pointed) list today.

1. work – sort out the box situation, and finish the document to send off to W and B.
2. scan form and send to exchange coordinator. (not scanning from work, for some reason. Will do at university tomorrow)
3. take tablet.
4. H and his new girlfriend are coming round for tea, so I suppose I should go and buy some (^{and thus the accompanying tea-related picture}). (he’s cancelled and rescheduled to next week due to multiple exams)
5. gym – resolve, resolve, resolve. Thirty minutes on the bike, and then weights, because my muscles are crying out for some use.
6. see P? He may just want to go straight home. (he’s very upset and coming round now, so the gym is just going to have to wait until tomorrow. Should have bloody gone this morning before work)
7. talk to mum (she is going to give notice at her job today, and I want to be as supportive as possible).
8. NoHuWriMo!
9. study project for the day: coordinate notes. And, for extra credit, brief a couple of cases.