crazymixedupgirl

i think i need to concentrate on not losing my temper full stop as opposed to just not with one person. in anycase i blew up last week. it started off not with him but he caught the brunt of it anyway. for the past couple of weeks i have just felt the pressure build up and up. noiced it with me not having much patience with the kids – could just feel it. then i went to my mums and was talking to her when my dad butted in with his usual obnoxious and confrontational statements. he always feels he is right and has absolute right to but in to any conversation with his own venemous take on things. i suppose i’ve mentioned that i reckon he is bpd too. all year i have been ignoring him. if i have responded to him it has been calmly and just saying my piece and assering my right to do so, which to be honest has seemed to totally confused him at times – he is used to me blowing up too which plays right into his territory where he is confident in doing battle. anyway last week i just blew up immediately at him – i mean really raged at him. right in his face screaming and letting him know what an abusive bastard he has been to everybody all his life (projecton????). i didn’t regret it really – except that it reminded me of the reality of the bpd – what it is about. wierd in that as soon as i did it – i felt the pressure just ease from me – i really did feel like i has released it. maybe i need to look at different avenues for releasing the pressure. obviously raging like that is not on – my da’s an old guy now, but to anyone it’s not on. i don’t feel too bad about it being him though – he has given everybody far worse in many more occassions – but that’s something else. the thing is though it did make me phone my ex and get on at him a bit – demanding he take the day off work to pick up the kids (which had been the issue surrounding the blow up with my da). so everything went to pot. anyway, that’s where i am with this. to be honest i know i have not been putting much effort in recently. i hope to do better in the new year.

well made it to counselling today – although i almost don’t even want to write about this. it’s just that it seems a typical bpd thing for you to somehow resist therapy – whether it’s through missed appointments, not liking your therapist etc. yet if i am honest that is in a way how i feel. not that i don’t like the counsellor – i do. i know he is trying to help, i admire him for the changes he has made in his own life, i can still see the positive in the sessions – but none the less i was left feeling a bit annoyed today. i felt that i spent an hour with him whilst he simply read aloud the homework sheets that i was to take home with me, had me read into myself some other very similar sheets and then he spent considerable time talking about his own experiences. i feel bad for saying this – well for even thinking it. i found myself feeling very sleepy and very aware of my feelings in this regard. i mean i know i’m babbling on about how i feel, what my life is like – but i’m thinking well hey i’m paying this guy so i can do that. argh – honest i hate myself for thinking this way – i did try to stay focused on the positive – like well it’s helpful to gain insight through other people’s experiences etc. i found this before with a counsellor. i really liked the guy – he was obviously a realy nice man and was in the job to help people how he could but i often left feeling like i had just spent half the session listening to his problems. the woman i had never did this at all – she was a cbt counsellor and really good but it was too expensive. even with her though i felt it hard to find the use in the sessions other than just giving me somewhere to talk. i think it is because they can’t offer me anything , in a practical sense , that i can’t get from the self-help workbooks in those areas. the thing is i seem to want someone to wave a magic wand and make everything ok. i always have excuses for not having the time to put in the practical work – which i know is the only way i am going to make progress – by actually practicing the stuff and putting it into practice. i do have the time – god knows i spend enough of it online shopping. which is another bloody problem. i totally use that as an escape mechanism – i’ve been doing it all the time – especially when i should be working. it’s like i can’t face up to the responsibilities of the new project – where i should be putting 100% effort in – ‘cos the work is hard and you need to – i almost consciously now opt for the internet where i can browse and buy (on credit of course) ‘til my heart’s content and don’t need to face the reality of the day – putting off until tomorrow , in a place where tomorrow never comes. i need to start getting my shit together really.

don’t know whether i should count this as a fail or not and go back to the beginning as far as the 43 days are concerned. had a bit of a run in last weekend – nothing much – but was a bit conflictual. he picked the kids up at 1pm and brought them back at 4pm – he normally picks up at 12.30 and drops of at around 6.30 or later. i was a bit annoyed at this as i was busy catching up with work soo felt a bit put out. he actually then took the kids with him again whilst he dropped my eldest off at my mums – bringing them back again at 6.30. i did feel annoyed and said so more or less. then i started moaning about the hat my baby was wearing – not the one he went out with. this has become a pet hate of mine – every time he takes the kids to his mum’s they come back not wearing their own clothes for some reason or another. anyway it annoys me – but what i noticed at the weekend is that i just picked up on this because i was already feeling annoyed at him. we never argued – i moaned he snapped back and that was it really. both of us were in better moods when he returned. what i also noticed though was even though it never escalated into an argument i was being passively aggressive – god never knew of such a thing until quite recently – but i definately could notice it in myself. mmm… still undecisive if i should roll the days back on this – i suppose i should really. ok i will – so back to 1 day.