createkg

Shattered right elbow and three broken toes. Gravity is evil. sigh. Already in PT after surgical work and trying to get along with life. Hurting myself physically has really enabled me to heal mentally. You really can’t understand how amazing it is to do all the simple things in life (feed youself, walk to the store) until you are incapacitated. I CAN NOT wait until I am fully ambulatory again. I have a new lust for life. Remember to be thankful for what you do have and ALWAYS wear a helmet when riding your bike. (saved my life!) Out look good

10 months – and 10 lbs have come off. A little bit slower than I would have liked but its still happening. Plus I can fit into a pair of jeans I grew out of before! I think lots has to do with muscle gain. On the road and headed in the right direction. Out look good

So I would rather this section was ‘be more honest’ I have already made great personal strides in my life with the honesty issue… honestly! lol anyhow – I do find I have hang ups every now and then – especially concerning my finances and I have decided that to truly move forward in my life (as I am so determined to do… this site rocks!!) then I must be COMPLETELY HONEST in ALL aspects of my life. Especially with myself!! I have a financial advisor I am constantly trying to out-wit aka deceive by not being totally honest about where my money is going and what exactly I’m spending it on. I try to minimize it by saying it’s my money – or it’s only a couple hundred bucks – but for Christ’s sake – I’m the one who asked this person for help – they give me help and every time I try to be sneaky I’m only hurting myself and hindering the outcome I so deeply need/desire. buck stops here… pun intended

I’ve been wanting to do this for a few months now. I really would like to go during the “off” season on a multiple day camping trip. Does anyone have any good Co. suggestions or time of year suggestions??? I’ve flown over it several times and always am amazed by its presence. I can’t wait to do this!!

Ok – So I figured it would be a good idea to go ahead and put my actual weight today here so I have some reference. I am currently at a heafty 176 lbs 5’6”. So WHEN i reach this goal I will be at 146 … just ten lbs over what I weighed in HighSchool. I’ve never actually tried to lose this much weight—but I MUST!!! here we go…

So I’ve decided… I have already put on my list to lose weight… but I feel that setting a numeric goal will actually give me more of a tangible focus point. I guess after I lose 1 lb I can check off my lose weight number on the list… lol This one may take a lil more time I have a feeling! Out-look good

At least not right now. I feel like I have been wanting to fall in love so badly for so long to “find that other half”... always dating guys that were plain not good for me just to be dating… searching. It’s pretty obnoxious to me looking back on my disparity. I am still new to this but am REALLY trying to make some changes in my life. I would say no love falling for a while. I need to love me more… I have too much to do, see and feel before I can truly love … and I’m already 26. I guess life has to start sometime for everyone

Because of the delusional state I have encompassed as my life for the last 7 years (see my goal #1) I have come to a situation of extreme financial hardship. I make a sh*t load of money and have nothing to show for it – except 20 extra lbs and a few new clothes (yes with tags) that no longer fit. (see goal #5 lol) In my first entry I spoke of a cross-roads I had come to… My financial situation played a large role in realizing the dire state my life had come to. How could I be in debt??? ME??? Mrs. won’t settle for under 100k a year be – not only broke – but IN DEBT?? I can tell you how – by not living in reality. Thinking for some reason the rules of the world do not apply to me. i.e. if I spend more than I make certainly I will still be fine … i.e. credit card interest rates don’t apply to me … i.e. I will have a huge house and fancy cars spending over 200 dollars a night – every night – in NYC… yeah – so ANYHOW since reality has so slickly snuck up on me (HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!!!! I’ve only been living outrageously my whole life!!!) and I haven’t been handed my multibillion dollar windfall yet (WHAT GIVES!!!???) I am now faced with the harsh reality that 1. rules apply to me 2. I am not independently wealthy 3. I must take action now so I can build for my future … Since this harsh reality I have consolidated my debt into one low interest loan and have made 3 payments so far. I am already down from 50k to 41k!! AND the biggest shocker of all – I’m on a BUDGET! This has truly been enlightening/frustrating lol I only have 170 dollars each week to spend on transportation/going out/AND groceries. Strange things, like surviving the morning without a triple grande soy latte – or adopting doggie bags from restaurants for lunch the following day (and then getting mad at my date when he accidentally leaves it behind) – or taking the subway instead of a cab 10 blocks *gasp have been transpiring by the minute every day around me. Please try and understand… this is so insanely different than my old life that it has really made me re-evaluate everything – even myself as a person. With this new budget I should be able to pay off my debt pretty quick and save save save for the days to come as well as become a better/less wasteful more conscientious person. AND NEVER EVER get myself into a situation like this again. – outlook is good

No. 1 on my list is to stop smoking pot. This right now is about number 5… I have a feeling this will come a bit after my goal numero uno is realized. keep it movin!!!

I love love love writing / singing music. It IS my passion. The only problem is this nagging little habit I can’t seem to kick (until today :)) has all but destroyed my motivation (see above entry – quit smoking pot…) I put the guitar down about 7 years ago and picked up the blunt… I never realized how much of myself I had lost and am still losing due to my addicitons. Recently, however, I have come to a crossroads. I have been standing at the fork for a while (bout 4 months)stepping a foot in one direction and two in the other. Since arriving at this “cross roads” I’ve produced more than 6 songs with a ferocity unbeknownst to me before I had come to this place. I now know the only way to finish my album – and fulfill my dream – will be to be true to myself – listen to my heart and hang on for dear life as I let go of a very old – very selfdestructive habit. There has been too much time passed as is. I can’t go on disregarding my life and my dreams as things that might be. I had hoped when I first came to my crossroads to have my album completed by Feb. 14th 2008… Since I have faltered I do not know if it will be ready by then. BUT when it is I will cite a link on this site. :)

I have come to the conclusion that this must happen before all else. I have MANY things I want to accomplish… and many more things to add to my list here… but really it boils down to quiting this – now – life abating habit. Everything else I want to accomplish is effected by this. For example – 1. losing weight. This task may be difficult to begin with, but it becomes extremely difficult to do when you are constantly craving donuts/pizza/anythingthatisnotgoodforyou and having negative 10% motivation to do anything other than indulge your growing midsection … how in the hell am I going to do anything when I can only bring myself out of the reclined couch position to microwave more hot pockets??? WTF?? The crazy kicker is that I know this addiciton is destroying my life, self, self esteem, creativity – motivation—yet I continue to smoke. Well mi amigos “todays the day!” And I dont want to tell anyone I know. I’ve fallen into this over and over – a horrible feeling of self betrayal made real by vocalizing my plans to others. I will quietly mark on my calendar tomorrow as day one. And continue to visit this page to grow my list.