so there is this running program online called “couch to 5k” that everyone is gaga over. i might try it! this would put me WAY closer to achieving my playing-soccer goal.
- bad feet
- really bad feet
i’ve figured out what is wrong with my feet, and now i have to go get orthotics. i don’t know why i keep putting this off. MUST STOP PUTTING IT OFF.
so mini-goal: get orthotics for feet so i can walk/run a lot.
so after doing a quick weight check and getting VERY disgruntled, i did a very bad thing: i took a week off. i still ate really healthy things, just much more of them. i also drank a bunch of really good wine, slept instead of exercised, and ate several club sandwiches at the local diner with glee.
and now i am back on the train. refreshed, still a bit frustrated, but regretting nothing.
i think the three hardest things about all of this are as follows:
- reducing wine consumption
- increasing exercise
- not getting discouraged when the scales don’t change – WEEK AFTER WEEK
so okay. let’s just get a move on, already!
right now, i feel nothing but
we are in a bad place, draped in good.
we are not real. we are not getting closer.
i’ve made some notes, and DH and i will have our meeting after his soccer game. this is good. i will pick a direction shortly thereafter. good good good
1) fun times and people over on friday
2) the particularly garish and hilarious humour of a friend
3) sleeping in bed all day yesterday
4) my body slowly changing
5) energy and purpose on a sunday!
roller coaster days lately. i feel a sense of doom that i cannot explain, coming from him. i am also struggling with some major upset over marriage-no-marriage right now, as his other brother announced his engagement (and also friends of ours, as well). it’s a very painful subject for us both, with no real resolution at all. difficult difficult weight on us both.
things that are positive (before i get all depressed writing about this stuff):
1) we are doing finances as a team more lately – discussing budgets, putting my taxes on his taxes as a dependent, sharing concern over savings, and me planning on canceling my large credit card and giving up my last safety net (should we ever break up).
2) i sorted out putting tv shows on my ipod, so i watch things for sleeping without bugging him. this is a good solution for us both, and he seems pretty pleased with that.
3) working on sleeping in the same bed more often. i have stayed up a bit the past few nights, but have always gone to the bed instead of sleeping on the couch. the ipod solution has really added to the success of this.
4) i’ve been open about my diet plans and efforts with him, and he has actually expressed a kind of interest. i know he is pretty proud of my efforts, but i don’t know whether he thinks i am working hard enough or what.
hopefully the weird vibes will be gone today – OR he talks to me about what is going on. i don’t know. it’s difficult right now.
2) friend coming over to watch movies this morning (we write a column together re: film)
3) trying out new recipes
4) DH eats anything i put in front of him
5) feeling awesome when i got out of bed this morning
1. vegetables in the fridge
2. obtaining a movie that i’ve been dying to see
3. getting stuff done and it’s only 11:30am
4. hot showers and comfy pants
5. the nap i am about to slip into
yeah, and i’ve done nothing in about a month or so!
steps to change this:
THIS WEEK I WILL
1) have book talk with notes
2) pick a direction and STICK TO IT
3) take an hour or two to brainstorm out next section in a place other than home
1. being able to breathe through my nose again
2. a partner who can pay the rent
3. possibly not having to work at the store today means getting stuff done at home! aaaah who am i kidding… x-files marathon of evil
4. my dear friend being so happily preggers, and so so gorgeous!
5. a clean apartment, laundry done, a new week ahead
1. rainy days means that everyone wants to stay hidden inside… not just me! a cozy cuddly world joins me in hibernation and bliss
2. getting stuff done on the publication (not done yet!)
3. DH is gone for the day/night/day tomorrow – i get to do whatever i want. also, perhaps i need a break because i’ve become bitterly clingy lately and clearly, that sucks for both of us.
4. DH left me the car.
5. sending an email to my boss explaining why the first draft of the publication will not be done for today… upon receiving no reply, i assume this means that i am not in trouble. no news is good news!
1) starting to date these 5 thing entries
2) kindness from DH during this flu shit
3) sleeping in this morning, only to find that it’s still only 9:30am
4) America’s Next Top Model downloads for sickly girl = delicious evil
5) people who kindly provide such data for the world to have
BONUS FOR MYSELF
6) a new day and a new chance to finish this work project and just be done with it, so i can go back to being sick. luckily, it’s an amazing project (a publication for the LGBTQ community re: our special stock catering to these groups)... it’s an extension of the zine we already put out, but in a different format so it makes me stretch my design and writing muscles. also, i can do it while dying from the snot monster. also, it’s about 1/2 done already. also, if i finish it this morning in a magical whirlwind of mad skillz and medicine, i can spend the rest of the day/night watching another season of ANTM.
okay, number 6. LET’S DO THIS
1) i have a job that is mostly from home, so when i get the flu (like now), i won’t get in trouble for being home so much
2) the bread that is in the oven that i will eat with hummus and soup later
3) this hot coffee feels good on my sore throat
4) back scratches and affection from DH last night in front of the tv
5) discovering the term “DH”
we had good talks yesterday and sorted shit out.
things = better
i love him – argh i love him so much! ARGH!
1. mondays are the best reset-button days – this week is already better
2. good talks with partner – solving problems, airing out stuff, good good good
3. the website i use for this losing-weight-changing-lifestyle kick that i am on – i keep finding features that seem to magically appear just when i need them!
4. a full week of editing and design ahead of me, yay work!
5. paying off one of my credit cards yesterday
well, after 4 days doing well i found myself in a changeroom at the store – and liking myself! my body seems to have been changing already, and it was amazing to see. i tried on a size 16, and it ALMOST FIT. i couldn’t believe it, holy crap excited!
alas, then i declared the day to be a “taking a break and rewarding myself day”, which quickly declined into a rough weekend of hangovers, the flu bug, and painful drama. all of which put eating right/exercise WAY down on the list.
today is monday, and i must remember how awesome friday in the changeroom was. reset button!
today i payed off the small one, woohoo!
the trick is to only use this one, so that i can chip away at the bigger one without just adding more onto it.
also, using the smaller one means i have a limit.
also, not using either is even better.
this entry of brilliance brought to you by monday morning coffee.
i was horrible. there was lots of hurt feelings and desperation and need going on. tears and drama and anger.
please let this be okay with us!
1) going to the store on friday and discovering big changes to my body in the changeroom – wow, eating right and exercise CAN make a difference!
2) inflatable mattresses in front of tv when sick/depressed/exhausted
3) managing to djay just fine, even with all the drama flying around
4) my partner’s everlasting forgiveness and patience
5) a new monday and a fresh start
well, i’ve kicked ass for two days already!
i haven’t been able to keep within the nutritional guidelines, but i’m still kicking ass on all the other things – not drinking, doing the exercise, tracking food, and being awesome.
today, i’m gonna try and stay within the lines.
also, i’m really sore from accidentally doing the superhard exercise video yesterday, so i’m currently “obtaining” a stretching workout so i can still do something today. sooo proud of me!
other than soreness, i’m feeling pretty awesome. this is gonna do wonders for my self-esteem and health. also, the depression?
rah rah rah!