things are going well the past few days… i’ve been socializing and keeping active and eating well and not drinking more than just a glass of wine. hopefully the weekend proves awesome, too!
gonna make a better go at this workbook i have, “Mind Over Mood”
we’ll see how it goes
part of my losing weight involves exercise, which is also good for the blues.
a big thing would be to go to the clinic tomorrow (they have open days on thursdays) and get signed up with a counselor again. big and scary and easy to put off. we’ll see.
i’m feeling a lot of pressure from sean today, to get well.
slow and steady. i am slow but steady.
edit: i just went into the other room and told sean i was feeling pressure. i know he totally doesn’t mean to, and i know that i NEED it. but i figure it’s better to clear the air than to dwell and not get set straight over it. now i filled with guilt over being sensitive, but he understands i hope.
beating myself up, already???
BAH MOVE ON
so sean has read parts 1 and 2 while he was away… i’ve been holding off on things and waiting to sit down and get some feedback over it, because i have so many directions i could go with the story (STILL!), and it’ll be good to have a head to bounce things off of. and also, to get some honest reactions to it all so far.
nervous happy
i djay the saturday after valentine’s day. i’m hoping to have part 3 done and off to sean and my other “readers” by that night. what a coup! what a good excuse to party :)
my main worry is that part three needs a lot of actual writing still. bah. it’ll be fine. it’s an “easy” section – little development of the central arc. mainly just a lot of gore and storytelling, which hopefully i can just fall into and whip off.
BUT the sooner sean and i have a feedback meeting, the sooner i can get on it!
note to self: make that meeting happen
also: don’t scare yourself out of getting going on this.
JUST DO IT
my mother immigrated to canada in her early 20s. i was raised to consider myself both canadian and australian – i have dual citizenship, and we used to go back “home” every year when i younger. i was taught pride in my roots, pride for the country, and pride for the customs that she raised us with.
as i got older, i learned more of the seedier sides to my mother’s departure: she has a lot of emotional problems, stemming from abusive parents and what later was revealed to be her severe mental illness. as i got older, part of my “lessons in heritage” involved being pulled into these struggles whenever we went to visit. as such, Oz became far less of a happy place for me.
as an adult, i miss the country, and even my family who are still alive there.
i am in a long-term “marriage” type relationship, and it has become very important to me that my partner knows more about my “australian-ess” and how the country has shaped part of my identity. i would very much like to go there with him, to have him meet my family (outside of any sort of drama-like situation), and to also have a chance to reconnect with my origins without the persistent interruption and desperation of my mom’s presence.
that alone would be a wonderful thing to achieve and share with my partner.
pro’s for quitting:
- takes away the need to always make a decision whenever a possible drinking situations arises… saying NO is way easier to do than having to deliberate every single time
- best solution for people with addictions (which i had/have)
- best for my body
- best for my pocketbook
BUT in the end, why do i still only want to reduce?
a lot has to do with how i drink.
i am a PRIVATE DRINKER. that means that i do a lot of drinking alone, and avoid social situations and my partner in favour of a bottle of wine and a movie. there are many reasons why i got into this habit, but it has become quite damaging to my health, my relationship, my friendships, and my life in general.
i want to stop drinking at home alone. i want to stop needing booze to relax, to enjoy a film, to deal with any of my emotions.
going out and having only one or two drinks is easy for me, because then i just want to leave early, go home, and cuddle up with more booze and a good tv show.
anyways. i want to switch my habits. i want to drink socially, as most normal people do… i think the average for a canadian woman is supposed to be 2 drinks 4 times a week. that seems so manageable, if only i could quit my private habits!
so that is what i am working on, and have been working on for the past year or so.
hope this makes sense!
i’ll be brief on this one…
- alcohol abuse for 15 years
- diagnosed with alcohol addiction last year when i finally went for help
- still struggling with it all
- quitting is what i SHOULD do… reduction is definitely harder and less desirable in the long run, but i don’t need to tell you how hard quitting completely is when you just aren’t ready
so yes. reduction. big time. hard.
BUT getting easier! it’s been about a year since i made the first few steps towards facing my problems. it’s painful, hard, and takes a lot of falling down and getting back up.
that said, it gets easier and easier to make the better choice these days. still not all the way to “normal drinker” but on the road.
high fives and hugs to the rest of you trying this too!
oh man, how much easier would life be if i were back to a size 14!
and bras!!! if i could fit into size 38 bra again, shopping and wearing clothes and such = SO MUCH EASIER and CHEAPER
also, i would feel like a million bucks.
i am currently 200 pounds. i am using the following tools:
- a website that tracks your food and exercise
- a little calendar hanging on my office wall, to physically mark down an X for every time i do a 30 minute video. if i can manage 3 X’s a week, i figure that’s pretty awesome – at least for now!
anyways, the website has informed me that i could reach 180 pounds by my birthday mid-june. that is my goal. we’ll see how it all goes!
the most important part of all this: to not feel like i’m DIETING. i just want to change my habits slowly, and with pleasure instead of pain. my inspiration for this attitude is the book “French Women Don’t Get Fat” – a silly self-help guide that has a lot of wisdom tucked in it. although i won’t be following all of her advice (as some of it IS pretty silly), the general idea of pleasure instead of pain is pretty inspirational. i also love her idea of slow and steady winning the race.
so, yeah. this new attitude – combined with occasional accountability and regular, easy exercise – should start me on the road!
i was a technical writer for ten years, before chucking it all for a new life as a fiction writer… and well, anything else that might earn me money. i currently work (barely) as an assistant manager for an alternative video store, but i am able to pay my rent because of a very supportive husband-person.
ANYWAYS. i started a book about 6 years ago. and then never finished it. this has been a long and silly struggle in which i’ve let so many other things get in the way… working, not working, depression, alcoholism, procrastination, fear, self-doubt, laziness… and lately, perfectionism.
last january, i decided to start changing my life instead of drowning in it. part of this was to discipline myself to FINISH THE FUCKING BOOK, and get it published. a life-long dream finally, finally achieved!
last january also marked the beginning of many other changes to life, which consumed a lot of my year. alas, this means that although honest and worthwhile efforts have been made on the book, the end result is that it is still not done.
so now it is a new year yet again, and my determination is matched by a) my growing mental health, b) my passion over what i have written so far, and c) my partner’s growing impatience….
anyways. i’m going to use this space to vent more about each and every stumbling block along the way!
