Christa

Or am I?
It seems that when you’ve smoked long enough, the warning signs on the cigarette packs doesn’t have the effect they ought to have.
Or maybe it’s just me who don’t see them anymore.

I know that my gallbladder surgery that is coming up probably will put an end to this darn bad habit of mine. Surgeries tend to take away most needs for some time afterwards, and if this one will be enough to have that effect, I won’t light another tag.

But without that I’m probably doomed to continue until it literally makes me stop breathing.

Northern lights was something I grew up with since I’m from Sweden and over there it happens on a frequent basis during winter time.

I’ve seen northern lights that looks like white light shaping into a cone in the sky above me, and of course the multi-colored veils of light that travels over the sky. Most of the time it’s been darn cold when this happend and we’re talking about down to -40 (which is the same in Celcius as in Farenheit).

Northern lights would be the only reason for me to head north again, especially in the winter :p

Then again, I know that northern lights have been seen even down in Italy, so you don’t have to freeze your butt off to see it. I even saw a faint version of it here in the UK last winter. Most people around here though doesn’t seem to be able to identify it when it happens, so they miss it, which is a shame.

What I mean about “pain” is not a headache or what most people define as pain. No over-the-counter meds have helped me and I’m seeing a specialist at a Pain Clinic about it.

It goes almost 10 years back in time. Started as a burning pain in the skin after a hysterectomy. The reason for the hysterectomy was cancer.
Since then the pain have gone deeper and today it is like a roaring flame that burns all the way down to the bone. It’s not constant – yet – it comes and goes and can last anything from a few moments to weeks. Sometimes it’s constant, sometimes it’s stabbing.

The specialist pretty much agreed with me that I have some sort of nerv damage after the hysterectomy, but since I am epileptic he wants to look into that too.
Obviously, the meds I’m on for the epilepsy is what they prescribe for nerv pain. So in theory I shouldn’t hurt at all.

There are other things they can do about this though.
Nerv blocks is one of them and I can’t say that I’m comfortable with the thought of someone digging with a knife in my neck among all the nervs that are gathered in there. But if that’s the only solution, I will take it.

It’s difficult to explain how it effects me, but I am aware of that I get very snappy and short tempered during the times when I’m hurting. The skin gets hyper sensitive and even clothes will hurt. Showers are a nightmare because of the changes in temperature that occures.
If you can imagine being without skin, I think you’re close to understanding. That’s the best way to describe it. And it’s been spreading to pretty much every part of my body today.

Today I’m getting through the painful days by drinking way too much of Southern Comfort….or whatever I have nearby with alcohol in it. In the long run it’s not a good thing, but for now it’ll block my mind from the rest of me. Since I have epilepsy there’s side effects if I drink too much alcohol, so it becomes a bad circle.

If the hysterectomy caused this, it’s pretty ironic, coz it saved my life and pushed me straight into this very painful state.

If there’s anyone out there with the same problem, please let me know. I’m not the only one with chronical pain, but most people don’t talk about it.