crystallina

Its been three weeks since i wrote the other entry, but things havent really changed. i am at the point where i can pretend much more easily, but i think thats more a sign of regression – ive reached the point of not really caring, so im not hurting as much.

i just wish there were things to do in this city. you cant even go to a restaurant without being carded after 9. i just feel paralyzed.

What trotu said: “I too, don’t want to be sad for no real reason. I’m fed up with the self-pity, tears, tantrums, attention seeking, no friends, waking up sad, sleeping fitfully with hundreds of nightmares, worrying ALL the time about EVERYTHING… – I know these aren’t really signs of depression, but I’m saying how I feel. Mostly, I’m fed up with who I am! I WANT TO BE HAPPY.”

Thats exactly how I feel. I’ve tried so hard to change the way I feel and act, but the things I’m aiming for arent happening.

I got to a school where people are isolated, and theres nothing to do if youre not 21 and cant go to a bar. the friends i did have all live together without me and now that i dont see them every day, they make no effort to spend time with me, and have excluded me from group activities. the campus clubs Im involved in are filled with people i dont like, but i cant find anyone i do like who also has my interests. i hate my living situation but am stuck in my lease and cant leave without hurting my best friend. i cant date right now because ive been sick and generally dont feel like going out.

everything ive done to reach out to other people has failed. im starting to feel like theres something wrong with me, and im just unlikeable. how did i get to be this way? and why cant i change it after 4 months?