Charlie

I had such an awesome, wonderful day today. I got up early and cleaned my house. It feels like a sanctuary (at least in the two rooms I did). I went to the Penn Museum with a very special person. Came home, made a tasty dinner for her. I feel so very, very happy.

Today I am grateful for:

• Another day of sobriety.
• My landlord, who has been very kind and patient with me during my recent work struggles.
• The inner joy I unexpectedly got in making my house a sacred space, a sanctum sanctorum.
• The very large amount of leftover chicken. :-)
• The old friend from high school I reconnected with on facebook. She and I met for coffee last night, we sat and talked and got caught up. She is so full of positivity and light, despite having a run of misfortune herself. What I got out of our conversation was that tragedy strikes everyone, but we don’t all respond the same way. Some of us choose not to be martyrs. Many people tried to say the same to me over the years, but I couldn’t get it while I was drinking. I can begin to see it now. Thank you for spending time with me, talking with me, and helping me find a little more sanity.
• Finally, the wonderful woman I am seeing. She is gorgeous and sexual and smart and witty. We are still getting to know each other and deep in the throes of new relationship energy, when everything is sunshine and puppies, and after a lifetime of relationship mistakes (the first of which is rushing into things) we are both committed to taking it slow and being sane about it. But oh, I think there is the potential for a deep and abiding connection there.

I am broke, not poor.

I am hopeful, not fearful.

I am powerful, not weak.

I am blessed, not cursed.

Whatever that means…

What I am doing is not working. I do not know how to run a business, I don’t know how to manage money, I barely know how to live life as a grownup. So I am going broke.

I take that back. I am broke.

My phone has been shut off, I am probably going to get kicked out of my apartment, and my car is likely to be repoed.

The really scary thing about having my phone shut off is that I have resumes out there right now. I had (ironically enough) a phone interview the other night for a non-legal job at night so that I could do things like pay the phone bill and the rent.

So I have to get creative, which is hard enough to do under optimal circumstances. I can eliminate things like criminal enterprises, so manwhore is off the list.

But I am now in need of basic necessities in modern life — food I have for a few weeks, thanks to things that don’t go bad like pasta and canned soup. But shelter, and the added modern necessities for survival — communication and transportation — are spotty. Even clothing is in question, as I do not have a winter coat at the moment. That one I’m not as worried about, global warming and all.

But I am worried.

So I have to make contingency plans, and that will a series of honest assessments about my life, assessments I’m not ready to make yet.