cthsu86

It’s 3:36 AM, on a Friday. I’m sitting on the large leather sofa in my parent’s living room, wondering if the raspberry mocha frappachino I had at Starbucks twelve hours ago is still taking hold of me. Or maybe it’s just one of those bizarre night time heebie-jeebies. I remember in fifth grade, we read a poem that began, “Late at night [something something] the what-if’s crawl inside my ear.” I imagine those what-if’s, like fleas and mosquitoes and bacteria, multiply into countless infinities as time passes.

Apologies for the melodrama – I find that I think more clearly when I assume that my audience is a faceless mass; I hope none of you flame me. I went through a brief phase where I wanted to be a writer, and pouring my thoughts into a public blog helped, but I ceased doing that because I was afraid it would be too self-indulgent. But now, I’m hoping that something here will help me plan concrete, directed goals. I really want to try to use a hobby, something else than just ambition and drive revolving around college and grad school, to try to make myself a better person, and to fill in the gaps in my life when I’m trying to make sense of things, or waiting for things to happen. To distract myself from becoming so wrapped up in a single path that I’m paralyzed, to make sure that I am happy.

I guess I need to spend at least half an hour each day on SOME thing, no matter how busy or tired I am. Waking up half an hour before school starts may help this. Ideas for this include:

1) Reading fiction.
2) Reading non-fiction not related to school.
3) Drawing – self-portraits, imaginary friends, fantasy characters, animals, anything.
4) Playing the piano.
5) Writing – if not stories, than a diary, or just stream-of-consciousness, maybe some poetry.
6) Jogging.
7) Knitting.
8) Learn/review programming/scripting – I don’t think I can actually conceivably tinker around with these things effectively in a half hour, but… maybe if I forced myself to get up, read the book, I’d be motivated enough to try things when I get back to class.

I guess it’s a limited set of hobbies that I’m thinking of. Half an hour doesn’t allow for very much, but… if I allocate larger blocks of time, I’m afraid that I will be constantly pushing them off in favor of school. Maybe this will help, somehow; making small steps, a little at a time. Having many different hobbies to choose from will hopefully make it harder to get bored, while… forcing myself to try at least one every day might make it easier to improve and less likely to lose my patience with one or the other (ie, drawing, writing, piano).

I’m wondering if I should try something more passive and long-term, as well. I have a vague interest in birds, maybe keeping a list of birds I see might help me hone my interests a bit more. I don’t know. I’ll have to see.