i dont care that she goes out or whatever, it just really sucks when its all weekend and you go with somebody who doesn’t even want to be there when you get there, (we didnt even go the fair like we had planned), and im here by myself, b/c for some reason, the people here suck, and i dont have friends here that want to hang out with me. I often wonder what the heck is wrong with me, for why people dont want to hang out. ive tried inviting people from work to our parties to hang out or do whatever, and they just seem to blow me off every time. i dont get it. next month i will 21, things will be so much easier. its hard living in a town, thats pretty much based around the bars, when you are not 21.
With her high heel against the wall
Kind of dancing, though not at all
i am on the edge of not knowing what what kind of friendship i have. i mean i know that i have some amazing feelings of love that go along with this friendship, but i kind of, i guess just put them aside, b/c i dont know if the feelings are the same for me. about 6 months ago, i knew what we had, and i was happy with like i said then, and im still happy with what we have, but confused i guess, a lot more so lately. im not sure why, or whats changed since. But im pretty sure something has. I dont know, i guess it should be talked about, unless what was said wasnt even about me, then i guess forget all this.
The beat takes you over and spins you round
Our hearts steady-beating, the sweat turns to cold
ive been seeing how much we are all changing lately, like growing up wise. i feel like im in a different world looking in on these peoples lives, b/c im not sure if im changing or not, i cant see myself like other people do. and then i often wonder how people see me, and if its good or bad. I know ive changed a lot since ive been here in bloomington, for the better im sure.
Watching shanda over the past few months, and seeing how much sees changed, and now shes moving out on her own. Parts of me think that i should be doing the same, but ive already lived by myself, i know whats its like, you have no one else to blame for bills being late, or the dishes not being done, or not having a clean house, it is all on you. As much as i liked living by myself, i think i like living with other people more. I like having someone to come home to. Instead of just coming home to an empty apartment, b/c like i said before, i have no friends here that want to hang out with me.
Oh, my God, it’s my favorite song
I pull her close and she sings along
A part of me is just sort of done with this place and the people here, if home wasnt so bad i would consider moving back home and living with my mom again, save up money bc i would be a hell of a lot cheaper and then move somewhere. But ive pretty much taken that place out of my mind, it really doesnt exist to me anymore. my mom and brothers are there, and thats the only reason i go back. Dont get me wrong that place was amazing when i was there, had a kick ass time all the time, had people wanting to hang out with me. Then it all fell to shit, b/c i had a shitty friend that made my life hell, so i left to leave it behind, and i think i have for the most part. i was so worried that it would follow me down here and it sort of did for a while. its pretty much done with know though, which makes me happy. Even if i were to go back home i dont know anybody there anymore, all the amazing people that i had as friends are gone. they either left town too or they are not amazing anymore.
We can’t slow down even if we tried
If the record keeps spinning so will I
ive been trying to look into and at myself lately, and i dont know if im see what is really me. Or if am i dont think i like who/what i am. a lot is going to change over the next couple months, good or bad im not sure. but i can feel it coming, and im ready for, bring it on. Things are going to be so different in the house, with shanda being gone, and jared maybe moving in. i dont know anything about that fuck. hopefully he is a cool guy.
We’ve got nowhere to go, we’ve got nothing to prove
Instead of dancing alone, I should be dancing with you
The more i see of Juanita the more i want to get to know her, without her girlfriend. I want to hang out with the Juanita how she was the first time i met her, she seems so depressed in her relationship, i feel so bad, i just want to steal her away, and see who she really is. Shes really cool when shes lindseyless. so im sure shes pretty amazing when lindsey isnt in her life. Hopefully by october they wont be together anymore, and the white stripes will put her back on feet, and get her to be her old self again.
This song is turning me on, the beat is doing me in
Or maybe it’s only you, but either way, lets begin
im done writing about my lack of life a life right now. i didnt intend on it being so long. there may be more to come later, who knows. tell me what you all think. please.