Danadanadana

I took my winter coat to a tailor. The lining (cheap) was in tatters, though the exterior wool looked great. To get the kining replaced – $15, including fabric, and it would take around a week. [Not bad, considering I had already been waiting for 2 years plus!]

I can’t believe it will be so inexpensive! Wow. _{Smacking self in the head} Why didn’t I just get this done 2 years ago? Sigh…

So, even though I will make a lot less money, I took a temporary job in adult education for the next couple months, and I am mostly enjoying it so far.

I also applied for several jobs during the holiday break, and was recently told that I will receive an offer for an overseas teaching job in the middle east! BUT I am waiting to confirm, because I want to look over the contract they send first, before I accept the position.

Re: the self-sabotage – for some reason I was getting frustrated that I was not making progress in this place. I had decided to commit to this place and let’s just say it didn’t work out for me. (And, if I had to face the truth, this place isn’t really right for me – or I guess you could equally say I’m not right for it.) So I guess that’s partly why I seemed to be continually sabotaging myself, in interviews especially.

It’s a little disappointing to think that home isn’t “home” anymore, but letting go of that idea has been… strangely liberating.

“The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.” -Gloria Steinem|

So now I guess I will be ‘on the move’ again and again, until I can find the right place for me. (I do want to find ‘home’ though. It’s getting exhausting picking up and transplanting myself so often.)

On some entry I wrote this past fall, I mentioned something about being ‘slightly depressed for the past year or two’.

Now I’m thinking more broadly than that. I have been unhappy/dissatisfied with the direction and most details of my life for the past …8 years, I believe. Yep, that’s a long time.

It’s not like every day has been hell, not at all. But I’ve been mostly uninspired, feeling like I’m somehow wrong, awkward, unacceptable. Essentially, on some level I usually haven’t felt like it was OK to really be myself.

I’ve been finding people and situations who might be accepting of one side of my personality, but not the other. I alternate between being serious and aloof (most of the time), and being spontaneous, accepting and outgoing (some of the time – this depends highly on my comfort level and/or level of drunkenness, ha!). Not only that, but I really feel like me when I am talking about ideas and concepts – I get really caught up in that stuff – love it!

But anyway – I’m clearly not in the right situation. I’m doing all right, I guess, but on some fundamental level, I am stagnating. Socially and intellectually, things suck. Financially, things moderately suck. Security/anxiety wise – things really need to improve.

It’s time to look at the BIG big picture. I don’t want to be in Western Canada. Yes, I want to find a home, but this is not it. (I’m still holding out a tiny bit of hope for Quebec as a possibility though!) I’m looking east. Middle East. :-)

...and this idea inspires me!!