dealingwith

I wrote an entry about this but it required a video object embed so it’s over here

Getting happy something I’m also doing well on, helps with this one. Just yesterday I had the thought, “I used to have this real reputation for being an asshole. I just don’t feel that anymore.” What’s funny is I then had to re-assess my commitment to Sparkle Motion but I remembered this post where I’m all, “I care about art too much,” which out of context is just hilarious. All that to say, seems like in my experience it seemed that being an asshole is was required to be a doer. Now, in a nice convergence of happy, content, immediate, and secure, I have more peace about whatever is to come. I’m in a bit of a restructuring phase, doing a lot of planning, but when the time comes there will be lots of winning without having to plow anyone over on the way. So there.

I missed last week but have had a couple days of very light consumption. Busy and it feels good. Need to set a day to do this again this week

...just out of principle. What this means for me is no Google Reader, no LiveJournal, no Twitter, no TV, no movie unless the TAGreally wants to go see a movie for our free night. What this means is more planned working, reading, and guitar playing…

I wrote a post yesterday that was such a downer it had to stay behind the safe confines of a locked LiveJournal, but turned it around later in the afternoon. I didn’t play guitar or run errands or go by Space but my friend Tyler did IM me with a request for help on the Facebook application he’s building so I met him at Gachet at 5:30 and having to jump right into some serious technical shit snapped me back into it—and motivated me to get cranking again on the approx 6 outstanding tech projects I have on the table. I did a tiny bit of database design consulting—but not much, I’m no expert (at one point I was in the query screen in PHPMyAdmin trying to do a subquery and quickly realized I couldn’t do it off the top of my head). I was looking for the database design for one of my vaporware products (see bottom right of this diagram) as an example and couldn’t find it.

So upon returning home a couple hours later I was determined to find this DB design on an external hard drive or older notebook. Did not find. It doesn’t exist. But for some reason, this motivated me to work on it.

But while sifting through these old notebooks I found a lot of shit! Some of it was kind of a downer—like, I was probably clinically depressed for years before diagnosed (but still an edge case where drugs are of suspect use). The stuff about my ex-wife wasn’t much of a downer anymore, which is nice. Enough time has passed there I guess. I found a notebook I kept for my first therapist in Florida. Lots of stuff from my childhood that I don’t even remember having to deal with anymore, yet alone the original events. Original notes on SWIM (“DWM” — “Dynamic Widget Mover”) and opensourcelife.com (yet another never-done project!). And little notes that very much resemble tweets ... “Dreams are definately [sic] an early-warning system.” “Kenny crying.” “1 month or so a year we come out of our climate-controlled mobile ecosystems.”

And notes about other projects: “Book: 2 stories. come together to tell the same ending from diff pers. mult endings.” Then a drawing showing two columns, one “John” the other “Johny” ...some things have been around for a while…this was 2001.

I don’t know where I was going with this. It was sad yet hopeful; it seemed as if nothing had changed inside me despite all of this change outside of me; and it seemed like I hadn’t accomplished a single thing in the last 7 years despite having a not-short list of accomplishments from the same time period. I had a couple beers and fell asleep on teh couch.

Other things I did to make me happier: got a surprise, put my iPod on shuffle, didn’t eat for a while.

In a strange confluence while reading Adam Greenfield’s blog (the content of which has nothing to do with this goal, and to explain how that site brought about this idea would be too difficult to explain and inconsequential anyway) after some semi-recent events and more-so recent conversations, I had the thought that I might not be wired to be happy. And that needs to be changed.

So the questions remain: what makes us wired for unhappiness? It may have something to do with psychoanalysis ...related: what parts of our brain might want us to remain unhappy? Why would we cognitively want to be happy but emotionally unable or unwilling to get happy?

It probably has some things to do with insecurity. What does it mean to be secure, at ease with ourselves, happy, and responsibility-taking human beings? It means no more excuses. It means, of course, that if we are not happy we have no-one to blame but ourselves.

It has to do with making decisions that are wiser than our brains actually are (which might need to be a separate goal anyhow). And letting our brains learn from that wise decision.

“You’ve got a kind of beautiful, makes the boys want to give up running all around.”

It has to do with being able to say “I’m sorry” and to actually forgive yourself and learn from it and move forward without regret, because who you actually are was not the one who did that thing that required an “I’m sorry”. The actual you lives in the future and is secure and happy and doesn’t do those things.

More later.

Love

Is it me or is this not a big deal anymore. To speak at TED, now THERE’s a goal!

I grew up in the country.

I guess I wanted to do this again?

I’m still up for it, just trimming this list a bit!

meh.

why did i have this as a goal AFTER i’d already lived in Europe. i guess i wanted to do it again (and for a much more significant length of time). now, it’s not as important.

jQuery

unactionable

Whew this is a tough one. I can’t believe the subject of my last post was from three years ago. I can’t believe I became totally entangled in another horrible situation for over a year. Not so good for the confidence in this area. I feel like the invisible hand lets me go as far as I could possibly go without death as a consequence and then pulls me back. I don’t want to even head in that direction anymore, though.

Had a conversation about this the other day…new year’s, actually. I want to be strong. I want to see these people coming. Right now I can see some of them coming, but I’m so shaken from my last experience that I doubt everyone. And as for the ones that I do see, my only choice at the moment is avoidance.

Here’s 2008 and it’s time to go over the goals and set some stuff to do this year. And what better place than 43 Things?

First off, things I think I’ve done. First up, live simply. I think I’ve done a pretty good job of this most of my life. Every time I’ve moved in the last 7 years I’ve simplified more.

{Just out of personal curiosity:

Florida house – Florida apartment 2001
Florida – DC 2002
DC – Bosnia 2003
Bosnia – Florida 2003
Florida – Dallas 2004
Dallas – Dallas 2004, 2005
Dallas – PA 2007
PA – Dallas 2007
And I’m planning on moving when my lease is up here…}

Since my last move I’ve done without any appliances in the kitchen except a coffee maker. No desk, just one table. No stereo, it’s in the closet and can probably go next move (although the amp and speakers might fill out a media center in the future). No TV. Major CD and book expunge.

I did get a new bike a couple months ago. But I like it a lot. And it’s simple. :)

image

Yes.

And I dog gone better be right about it THIS time.

photo by/from

Trying, trying, trying, trying….....

So effing frustrated.

It’s going to be a weird day all around today methinks.

I just spent all kinds of money lately and I’m about to [edit edit edit]

[It’s odd that due to not being open/public with some information, this seems to be about something it is not]

Uuuuuuugg…...

yes