Candi

I quit smoking long ago. All it did was give me tonsillitis and increase the anxiety in my life.

There just seems to be no rest for me. I hear it skips a generation, which makes sense considering my grandmother was worse than I am at being afraid/scared/worried/anxious about everything.

I tried seeing a doctor while ago for something chemical to calm me down, since “art” is my career now and no longer relaxing. She simply said, “Anxiety is linked with depression. And depressed people don’t cry.” Mind you, I was crying at the time she said that, having just spilled my guts about my constant nerve-filled mind as a child, and the long nights I’ve wanted to end it all to finally get peace. I left angry.

No more Xanax for me, but I’ve taken up smoking. Two and a half cigarettes equal 5mg it seems. We’ll see, we’ll see.

Well, college is coming.
I am no longer ashamed of my life on the internet.
I think that my family needs to see the provocative photos and outrageous remarks to really get a feel for who I am in the public light.
When I do get out there and start a career, it’s not going to be all My Little Pony and newborn kittens.
So I’m easing them into it, real slow.
I have so much respect for myself now.
I don’t stretch the truth to make my father happy, I can actually tell him what I want out of life. He knows I want to do film and clothing
and while he may not know about the music yet,
again, I am easing him into it.
I am getting the apartment that I want, not the cheapest one because he wants it that way.
And Randi. I am so happy that she is following her own path.
And Jackie. I see that she does all of the bad things because of my dad. And I know now that the thing about girls choosing guys that act like their dads is not true. Because I don’t ever want to be ignored like that for a TV show.

But.
I respect them all now, and I know that it’s okay to leave this behind and want to come back. Or not come back, or even change things. I don’t ever have to be the same person to them for fear of obligation.

I now have my own permission to grow as a person. :]