today my family is having a being sunday dinner; i don’t know why, other than today; we’ve lived off of takeout, frozen foods, and pasta. everyone’s so lazy. but that’s besides the point.
after today, i’m not going to eat. i don’t know for how long. but; i’m not going to.
“You might think I sound bitter, but I’ll bet you I laugh more than other people. I have reason to.”
-Eli Khamarov
“You see us as you want to see us… In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions.”
-Breakfast Club
“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”
-The Story Of Us (better known of in Boy Meets World)
“If for one minute you think you’re better than a sixteen year old girl in a Green Day t-shirt, you are sorely mistaken. Remember the first time you went to a show and saw your favourite band. You wore their shirt, and sang every word. You didn’t know anything about scene politics, haircuts, or what was cool. All you knew was that this music made you feel different from anyone you shared a locker with. Someone finally understood you. This is what music is about.”
-Gerard Way
today in gym, we had to weigh eachother. and we had to get our bmi percentages. i nearly cried. i’m in a class of girls who were honestly, fighting over who was fatter, when they are all stick thin. but so, i am five foot six, and one hundred and fifty one 4/5 pounds. my bmi is 24%; which is one percent away from being overweight. i’m disgusted.
i’m deathly, and i mean deathly afraid of needles. i can’t get blood taken, i can’t get shots. but this is someting i’ve been wanting for four years. my friend’s sister works at a parlor and she’d do it, but she said it’s really painful. and if SHE said it hurt, i might die having it done. but i need to.
music is my buddah, it keeps me calm. it can make me feel all these emotions, but i’m not one of those people that will say 0MG G3R@Rd W@Y Own$ My So0ul. or they saved my life. i’m not that dramatic. but i would like to travel, with everso talented people. to get away from here. and have fun while doing it. i’ll merch, but merch girls are usually skinny and gorgeous, both of which, i’m not. nor am i close friends with anyone in a band.
okay, so i haven’t written an entry on this. but i have changed.
i used to honestly flip the hell out on people, like really bad, but now, when someone does something to me, i cry. but i never let anyone know. i think there’s something wrong with me, because of the way i react to things, things i should be extremlely mad about, i cry. and then i feel guilty about making a person feel that way about me. when i never did anything.
i’m fat. i need help. i don’t know what to do. i have no disipline. i eat when i’m hungry. i eat when i’m bored. when i’m alone. food is always there. and when i eat, i don’t eat until i’m not hungry, i eat until i’m full and can’t eat anymore.
i’m not involved in sports, because i was never good at them, my parents won’t pay for a gym membership. i don’t know what to do with myself. i’m afraid of the scale. i’m afraid of pool parties. i refuse to go to the doctor because i don’t even know how much i wieght anymore. i don’t want to. i hate school shopping, and i’m going this weekend. i know NOTHING will fit. i know i’m fat. my friends don’t agree with me. but they are tiny like unhealthy tiny, teling me i’m skinny. SHUT THE FUCK UP. i’m in highschool, i don’t want to be remembered as the fat girl. the girl who no one will go to prom with because she’s a cow. and the girl who drowns her sorrows with ben and jerries.
please, help me.
1.“The whole world, myself included, seem to have one thing in common: We’re just a crowd of people who don’t really fit in anywhere attempting to convince one another that we do.” – Andrew McMahon.
<3
haha ; i’m not a poser or anything.
i just am in love with “scene” hair.
like obsessed.
my friend is doing it tomorrow,
that is, if my dad will give me cash monahhhhhhhhhh.
she already knows how she wants to do it.
but next time i want that.
this will most likely never ever happen. i’ve made too many mistakes and regrets that i can barely live with myself. if i’m not comfortable now with myself, i’ll never be. in my opinion people don’t ever change they just further develop themselves.and if i already hate myself now, that hatred will only grow. i don’t like the way i look. i don’t like the way i act. or how i think. or how i treat people. just generally, i hate the person i am. and i don’t know what to do about it.
so, i would love to tour with a band, any band, as long as i like them. i dont’ care what i do as long as i’m there. traveling the country with a bunch of talented people, would be amazing. but, selling merch wouldn’t be too too fun but i could deal.
working at/for warped would be really fun in my opinion, but i know that if i ever did. i don’t think i would ever come home.
this is probably one of my most shallow things to do, but it’s something i would love to experience.
there’s something that baffles me. people who are popular, are in every sport, and club, and get perfect grades. i can barely maintain getting decent grades in my honors classes, which i can’t drop, and sleeping. it seems like i don’t have time for anything. i’m nearly always online, because going out just distracts me more. i study and i try, but not hard enough. i just don’t feel motivated, and i honestly, can’t do anything about that.
it seems like people need to force me to smile.
i getmore satifaction out of reading something funny, than actually have fun. and personally i tink that’s fucked. i don’t want to be the little “emo” girl who doesn’t smile. it’s just tihngs don’t really enetertain me all that much anymore. i always seem depressed but i never really am. but then there’s times when i’m on cloud nine, and then someone knocks me right off it.
i’m so sick of my surroundings. i’m sick of knowing everything about where i am, and seeing the same things everyday. i want to go places. i want to be cultured. i want to experience life, outside of the northeast. ive been to portugal and the bahamas, but thats nothing. i don’t want to go places with my parents, they prevent me from doing anything. i don’t want to stay at a resort, i want to go backpacking, i just want to go. no plans, just on a whim leave. see things i’ve never seen. learn things. meet people i would have never gotten the chance to. i just need something more than massachusetts. i want to go to chicago, los angeles, london, italy, france, greece, anywhere and everywhere.
