I love him with all my heart, he is sweet, intelligent, sensitive, handsome, funny, etc…but he hasnt had a steady job in the whole 3 years weve been together, he never graduated High school and seems to have no discipline to get a GED, he smokes cigs and becomes an a**hole when he doesnt have them. Over 3 years of my life, and b/c of him Ive missed out on doing a LOT of things. I just dont think I can take much more.
I added pure Jojoba oil to my regiment on the advice of people on acne.org. Jojoba oil isnt really an oil but a plant wax, from what I understand. Each morning after I wash my face with the Dr. Bronners peppermint soap, I add 2 drops to my damp face and pat dry. Then I lightly splash water on my face and pat dry again. The jojoba oil has made my skin tone more even, smooth, and is fading some of the red marks. I never dreamed I could get my skin this clear! If this keeps up Im marking it off my list.
I bought Beta-sitoserol tablets and zinc gluconate tablets…guess what? I am about 70% clearer than I was before! It worked quick, within a day I could begin to see the difference. Also, the redness has disappeared, I guess since one of those is an anti-inflammatory.
I am a 24/f had acne for 10 years, small whiteheads and overall bad texture and blotchiness. Doesnt sound that bad but I have a lot of scarring, and they were extremely persistant. Oh, another thing that works- baking soda, it will bring your whiteheads to the surface so that they can be exhumed :)
Next I am going to try Vitamin A, and some sort of topical (perhaps zinc oxide). I have heard that mega-dosing with Vitamin B5 is also effective, but can be dangerous.
I wrote:
“I must accept that my life is not how I wanted, and that time is going by fast and life is constantly changing.
I must accept that I cannot control the future, no matter how much I worry or try to plan ahead. I can do my best, but ultimately time will tell how things turn out. It is out of my control to make things “perfect”, or exactly how I want them. I have to stop living solely in the future and not enjoying my present at all because of it. I must accept imperfection, be grateful with what I have, and enjoy things in everyday life. I must relinquish my control, and accept that which, even with the most effort, I cannot change.”
Wow, I should right a fucking book! This is the way to go, I have done what I said I should do. It is not that I will accept things that are inferring with my life forever, but it is letting life unfold at it’s own pace, accepting the bad with the good, trying to stay positive, and enjoying whatever you have even if it’s not much. I feel better now that I did before. Letting go is easy- 1) realize the world doesn’t revolve around YOU, you live on it…2) Life changes so often that almost nothing is solid 3) Perfection is unobtainable 4) If someone truly loves you, you have more than you could want!
Well I think I am doing really well at this. I gave up being jealous because it was driving me crazy. I was just insecure. I can tell he is really committed to this and I decided to be too. I thought threatening him to leave would make him fix his shit, but instead it made him afraid and caused fights. I am being super nice, helping him with his GED, remaining positive, and not hassling him about full time employment. He in turn is cleaning the house completely and doing lots of chores, not complaining about shit, being loving and attentive when I am home, and not asking for anything beyond basics. I am telling him I am proud of him for deciding to get his GED. If he follows through we may have a future, if he gets lazy I guess he didn’t want us that much.
211 books total. I have vowed not to read another book this year, unless I take a plane trip or something. I think by the time I’m 80 I can finish this lol.
So I let my eyebrows grow out a bit, and did end up hennaing my hair. Both did make a difference in my appearence, but not as much as I had hoped. I really need a hair cut and style, because right now it basically just hangs there. My skin is pretty clear right now, but then again it is winter. It’s not flawless though, and it may never be. So, new goals:
1)Get a hair cut and style (but keep it long)
2)Ear piercings
3)Beta sitersol and wrinkle cream for my skin
4)Tone my body (I did lose 10 lbs and have kept it off!)
5)A signature ‘scent”
6)Girly accesories
7)Clothes and shoes
7)Get tattooed again (finally!)
I feel like I’m getting too old to still be so unhappy about my appearence. I would be cool with it if I had done everything I could, but I KNOW I can look better than I do. Still, it shouldn’t be a priority, right? Then again it’s depressing because the reason I can’t improve my appearence is because my bf doesn’t have a job, and I have no money to buy any of the things I want :(
Ok, so I’m not gorgeous. I may not be the “most” at anything (although I haven’t tried everything). I am just as worthwhile as anyone else on the planet. I know this because an unworthwhile person will not have any redeeming qualities, which I do. In addition, we are all just a bunch of parasites, feeding off the earth and each other until we die, which is at most a mere 120 years after we are born. We all age the same, and die the same. The accomplishments that one makes on earth only count here, God views us all the same way. So, God loves us all the same. Are you worthwhile of what? Love? Attention? Life itself? I don’t know if any of us are worth the kind of beauty and horror that there is on this earth. But I do know that each person who strives to make the world better, and who doesn’t burden others, who helps others and puts their needs ahead of their own is worthwhile of knowing and of other people’s respect. I am not going through anything original, and my time here is short. We should all feel worthless sometimes. But now I don’t think I’m any less or any more than others.
I’m making strides in this.
-I am not as jealous as I was, and I have not been accusing him of doing or thinking things. I don’t go through his crap anymore either.
-I have been being supportive and encouraging with his job search, and I no longer think he’s using me for my money.
-We have an understanding that when I am drinking he is not at home or around me. He is to ignore anything ignorant I say.
-I have been more verbal with how much I care about him, and I don’t hesitate to say “i love you” back.
-I try not to make negative comments about our relationship, or it ending. I also try to make “future” comments, to show him I see us together for a long time. I used to do that alot.
-I try to diffuse arguements before they start, and I apologize when I’m wrong.
However:
-I sort of let my weight slip a bit. Just a few pounds, and i am losing it.
-We do still get into really big, bad arguements. But they don’t last as long at least!
-Sex is not happening much. But last time it was better than it has been in a while.
-I still emasculate him sometimes.
-I’m still negative sometimes.
-I get into jealous moods where I think obssessively about his ex. But I don’t take them out on him anymore.
-It bothers me that he doesn’t look me in the eye like he used to. But that should change when theres less stress, and better relationship.
If it stays good all month in December and January, I am going to check this off my list.
I think I could be starting to conquer this. People at work seem to geniunely like me. I went to a party the other night and people told my friend who brought me that I was “hot and fun”. The fat girl there gave me many hugs, which I enjoyed. I make people laugh pretty easily. Maybe that is where I have some worth at? Also, my mom and my boyfriend seem to need me and want to have me around. If I do have worth, what is it based on?
In addition, I am going to try to enter the Chili Cookoff at work. I think that would help me get over my fear of participation because I might lose. In a chili cookoff, even losing is delicious!
Yesterday I was looking at his friend’s new pics on myspace (yeah, I know), and there are a few on there of my bf and this girl Amanda, who he went out with for like a week during one of our 2 “breaks”. They didn’t have sex and only kissed once, but I was still very jealous of her and extremely pissed because he thought he could replace me immeadiately. However, I didn’t get angry when I saw the pics. They weren’t holding hands, though they were sitting next to each other. She’s a decent looking chick too. They dont talk anymore. I don’t seem to feel jealous much anymore. I think that’s either because I believe he loves me, or Im sick of caring. I think its a bit of both.
He cleaned the entire house yesterday before I came home, and helped me cook dinner. Today he took the car to the shop, and did some needed shopping at Walmart.
So far, I think that I will know whether we are staying together by sometime in January! Depending on 1) His job status and 2) The other parts of our relationship.
I got a raise at work a few weeks ago. Yesterday, one boss said I was “invaluable”, while another said that my job, which is somewhat menial, is a “waste of your talents”. Obviously the people at my job have noticed my hard work, and I feel needed there.
I am working on my appearence, making some new friends, and figuring out what is really important to me, not what I have been told is important.
So I bought Clearogen lotion from over the internet and guess what? It Works! It works really well actually. I stopped using it for a week and my skin went back to shitty. I know now that my acne is hormone related, and has to be attacked both topically and from the inside. Still, I will not take birth control pills, I have taken them before and it was horrible (yes, even on “low dose”). The only things left are:
Spiroalcatone
Beta-sitoserol
Some type of other hormone type thing
Both of these block DHT, which is the cause of acne and hair loss. Beta-sitoserol is available OTC, so I am going to try that.
Just a tip: Use Head and Shoulders Shampoo as a face wash…it works really well and leaves no residue!
Today is his Birthday. Last month was mine and…he was too broke to get me anything, although he did cook me dinner. I would have liked a card. Lets just say he didn’t go to any trouble. So, I am not going to get him anything except a small Carvel cake, which I also got our roommate on his birthday in August. He went to his friend’s band space and came home early last night. I didn’t fight with him, but I didn’t stay up either.
Tonight in addition to the cake I am obligated to cook him dinner (he did on my birthday and yesterday), and probably at least try to jump him. This is not something I want to do because I still have no body confidence, plus our sex now feel more hoh-hum than exciting or passionate. Maybe I should get some whipped cream to go along with the cake? ;)
Things to remember:
My boyfriend does NOT expect me to be interesting or excitable every time we talk!!
Also, I am still working on being more attractive. I bought 2 fancy new bras (really needed them anyways) and 2 nice panties.
In addition, working on not being accusatory when he goes out and especially not starting a fight when he comes home. He goes to his friend’s band space, all of whom I know and are guys. He calls me from there. Last time I did good on text messages, but was snippy on the phone. Then called back and apologized. Was somewhat cold to him when he came home after 2am, but did not accuse and after about 10 mins became nice again. He has mentioned having to talk to his ex several times over arrangements to see his child. I felt much less jealousy, and when he said upsetting things I told him I just didn’t want to hear it. But,at least I was calm!
Well, he thought the letter was another way for me to say I wanted out of the relationship, but it was really the truth and I screamed at him until I think he got some of that. I tried to think of things about me that I consider rare or useful in a person. I came up with:
1)I can speed read, and comprehend whatever I read very well and very quickly.
2)My mind is analytical and I can see connections between related things easily.
3)People open up to me all the time. They love talking to me and they say the feedback I give is really helpful.
4)I have a sharp toungue and can put people in their place cleverly, which avoids longer fights.
5)I can hang with the guys without any weirdness, they like having a chick that understands them around.
6)I have the ability to let insults roll of my back, and betray no pain (this is both a good and bad thing though).
7)Children over 3 and animals love me because I am playful and let them do things their parents said no to (but nothing that could hurt them).
8)I remember what I need to…I have a decent memory for things that need done so I rarely feel “lost”.
9)I have integrity, and never suck up to a superior to get ahead. I am as honest and natural as possible with them.
10)I understand what beauty is and see it in the purest forms (lines, colors, symmetry).
11)I would do and have done insane things to help the people that I care about…literally given shelter, food, clothing to them.
Wow, ok…so I lightened my eyebrows in preparation for hennaing them and my hair…they were black before and VERY thin…I realize after lightening them that I look less severe now, but the overall shape is far too thin for my square, moderately large featured face. Also I thought my eyes were close set so I plucked the beginnings so they start directly over my eye, but this makes them look shorter and a bit unnatural. When i smile and I have “chipmunk” cheeks there is nothing to offset them, and my hair is like the same color of my skin. I am going to order then henna soon…I have had my hair red before and it looked awesome, but of course it washed out lol.
Drinking and me being a good gf do not apparently mix. I can drink with anyone else and not have any probs, in fact Im nicer, but to him I start really violent fights, as in Im sitting here with a black eye (i have to be restrained). It is because I have a lot of animosity towards him. I have been supporting him financially for almost the entire 3 years we have been together…he’s had jobs on and off but has issues which affect his employment. The rate in baltimore is almost 7% too. He isn’t lazy though- he does chores, cooks sometimes, etc., but I need a partner and compainion, not a maid. In December I return to CA for Christmas with my mom…I told him if he doesn’t have a job going by then I am just not coming back. I’m not bluffing either, I adore him completely but being the caretaker is taking its toll on me and this relationship.
So I wrote him a letter that explained that my expectations are too high and that’s why Im never satisfied, and that I feel worthless which causes a lot of my paranoia and trust issues. If I believed that I was worthwhile of love I would believe him when he tells me he only wants me, and that he’s not interested in leaving me for another girl or at all. He hasn’t cheated and tells me everyday how special I am to him, how beautiful, etc. If I start trusting what he tells me again and gain a bit of confidence in myself and my appearence, I know our relationship would greatly improve.
To accomplish that I am trying to get my body up to MY standards (he says he thinks I look really good and would love me even if I was got super fat, but he’s proud of my efforts to improve). I am also looking into trying some new hobbies and entering some competitions…maybe with a few skills and wins under my belt I will feel like I can accomplish something more than going to work and paying bills. In addition, I go to church and try to remember that God loves all of us, and that we are all imperfect beings with different strengths and weaknesses.
