dontcry

...just checking in with everyone. Have had a traumatic personal event in my life which has put things into perspective and my feelings for him in the backseat.

I have not completed this goal as it stated (60 days with no contact) but he is now out of my head and I am going to move on. In that way I have completed the actual intention of this goal.

Best luck to all of you, I’ll check in and if my feeling change back (I hope not though) I’ll post entries again.

I thought of a few reasons to contact him today…a movie I wanted to tell him about, to wish him well over the weekend – but I didn’t contact him in any way.

IN MY MIND he really isn’t all that great. I doubt he would ever give me a secure feeling if I was with him.

BUT MY HEART won’t let him leave my thoughts. I want him out of my head. I want to stop wanting him to want me. I want to stop feeling like I was rejected by him, used by him, taken advantage of, lied to. I cannot confirm these things but I also cannot confirm that he has integrity. I would love to give him the benefit of the doubt, wish him well and STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM.

Usually in order for me to move on I need another man in my life, a better man, and then I can let go. Sometimes I know I am beautiful and worthy and sometimes I feel worthless. I know I need to feel good about myself, inside of me, and not let someone else define me. I know I need to do this but aside from what Dr. Phil says, something about “changing your internal dialogue”, I need to figure out the steps I need to take to let go of him and be okay, acutally wonderful, without him or any other man. I need to do this before moving into another relationship.

This day 1 was easier than my 1st day one. He was supposed to call work today but didn’t. I directed my coworkers to send his calls (though they would be business calls) to my voicemail. Last time we talked he pulled me…asking personal questions. I don’t want to be his friend. I already have friends and I don’t really think it tends to work out being “friends” with someone you once slept with. I don’t think I want to keep in touch with him at all…at least that’s how I feel today.

I need to work on completely letting go of him, letting go of the idea of a future, letting go of the feeling that he is better than me. My mind knows I’m better than him but my heart feels rejected…I NEED TO LET GO. I need to stop wanting him to contact me. I need to stop wishing time would move forward quickly, to a time when circurstances are right and we can be together. I cannot put my life on hold. I cannot continue to torture myself with thoughts that he made me look like a chump!

What do I do tomorrow? Say he calls and is sent to voice mail; What if I need to answer a question… so I have to call him back? I couldn’t have someone else return his call (would be unprofessional for the secretary or the A/P person to return this sort of business call and there are currently no other means of contacting him). I just hope I can avoid contact and retain this business deal…somehow. :-/