New years resolution #1
Got a 1st, oddly.
Mainly by: trying not to stress too much (I wanted to pass, maybe get a 2:1); finding a special interest to focus on early on and trying to relate as much work as possible to this interest (much easier to get down to working when you’re vaguely interested in what you’re studying); acknowledging my weak points and work on accomodating them by finding ways to work around them rather than deny deny deny; not wasting my time learning stuff I hated it if I didn’t absolutely have to.
I’m establishing new rituals in my life all the time and I think these are helping me feel grounded as well as defining my boundaries.
They’re grounding me in the present and by refusing to let other people/panic/the ever growing to do list get in the way of carrying them out, I’m creating and strengthening my boundaries.
Having a reason other than wanting to declutter was a good incentive. Myself and a friend are raising money at the money for a project we’re working on. We have been doing car boot sales to donate money and this has been a great way to give everything in my home a quick keep or get rid of once over.
I think maybe I’m performing some ninja mental trickery with this one. How do I know that the thing I’m doing that I really don’t want to do, isn’t something that I DO actually want to do.
Ah warrior. If I wanted to do the thing, I would probably be doing the thing already.
Today: I was going to say work on essay. But I have to do that anyway and ninja mental trickery I do not trust you. So I think I might actually wash the baking tray that I have been half-heartedly not scrubbing for oh I don’t know how long.
So halfway through ay? I think when I first wrote this goal I was drowning in a very untropical pool of tears of blood and general self hate about another failed attempt to sort.my.life.out.
Waaaaay before I started this degree. When things were really bad. Not just quite bad like they are now. Pretendings. Things are fine now and good a lot of the time and even full of awe and magic some of the time.
This goals is one of those slow burners. Well, all mine are that way to be honest. When somethings important to me, it just will not go away. There it is. Hanging around all the time, no matter how much I try to turn my back on it. It’s tooooo painful, I whinge. I can’t go back there AGAIN. But some things are just too important and meaningful to ignore for very long so there we go. I will get there/somewhere in the end. Process.
It will be 3 weeks this Wednesday, but experience shows it to be more difficult than it sounds. 2 weeks 4 days is my PB since god knows when. Probably detox round 1 which was nearly 5 yrs ago.
I can’t be bothered to go into Dundee for an AA meeting today. There’s a more local meeting I can go to tomorrow and then I’m back in London so it will be easier. But ack. I really do want to get to the 3 weeks. Maybe I’ll put myself on lockdown, that could work. Except I will need food at some point and social contact would be good.
I can do it.
This has now been upped to doing 2 things each day I’m not particularly keeen on doing. AA tell me its the way forward.
Went mad. Hospitalised for my sins. Dried out. Back at AA. 2 weeks and 2 days sober. Its all good. Conditions will improve.
I really don’t want to drink today. But in a bid to improve my willpower, I shall give it a go. Yes, I will. What a trooper.
I’m so bored of seeing this as the top of the page. I’m a cynical, bitter, usually suicical, always homicidal bitch and I refuse to participate in my Jedi mind game attempts to dilute myself into a nice, jolly, little ferret anymore.
I appreciate my life in a well, at least you didn’t lose anything today and a pat on the back for getting dressed and eating some food, that was a stunning feat kind of way.
I don’t think that warrants a 43t goal all of its own though.
At some point, I shall do these things. That point is as yet undefined in space and time.
At some point, probably ages and ages ago, I pretty much became completely reliant on alcohol in order to socialise on any level. Well, actually, that’s not quite true. It does, however seem that my social skills whilst sober have been badly impeded by my need to get drunk in/before most social type thingies. I’ve become a bit of a social retard. Oh noes. That can’t be good.\
What’s the solution?
I fear the answer is one I do not care to try out. I may need to re-learn how to just be without my alcohols. The key words being ‘without’ and ‘alcohol.’ Two words that when put together, do not make me happy.
Reading an old entry on mutual improvement has inspired me to have another go at this. It’s also giving me some food for thought about why I seem to be having such a hard time with this. I currently have plenty of time in the mornings to try and culitvate a pleasant, not too terrible morning routine. In fact, it’s the perfect time to have a proper go at this. So what’s stopping me?
The fact is, quite simply, I don’t particularly want to get up in the mornings. I want to want to get up and do stuff and generally be a more productive person. But wanting to do something and wanting to want to do the same thing are quite different.
Why don’t I like getting up? Simply put, I don’t enjoy my days enough to make starting them seem like an appealing thing. As long as I’m in bed, sometimes anyway, I can keep my head quiet and keep out the racing thoughts. To a point. In the mornings that is. The same thing does not apply at night. I have trouble shutting my head up at night, an experience shared by most people at some time and hence I struggle to get off to sleep. My own thoughts feel like intruders in my head. Wow, that’s pretentious.
So perhaps there’s something about getting up and starting the day signalling the end of empty mind and the beginning of the fun filled day of racing thoughts that puts me off. It seems to me that if I could make getting up and started a more relaxing, less rattling experience, I would be more inclined to get the hell started.
How to make the mornings less of a shock to the system? AKA How to quieten my head down?
I don’t know if any of these would help. I feel like the list could be longer. But calm, soothing activities aren’t really my usual MO. I need to start somewhere I suppose. I shall give them a go and if they work, build on them further and yeah, in time maybe I will have mastered the morning routine.
If I omitted the word ‘decent’ I could have this one done and dusted already. AS EVER.
All the stuff on prior lists is null and void. I either done it or no longer need to do it.
I’m laying off compiling the new list until next week. Eaaaaaaaasy street.
I is done. No more college. My days are currently task free ish. Going to Scotland soon and then hopefully start the next round of edumacation aka putting off going back to work full time for the foreseeable future.