dottiemama

I think my negative feelings boil down to….... maybe I blame him for everything? Not out loud, but deep down… I think. For example, the reason we are so deep in debt and can’t catch up? Maybe I blame him for getting fired. Maybe I blame him for impulse spending and poor money management. When we were dating, it was he who talked me into my first credit card and then it was he who suggested things to put on the credit card. Later, it was he who told me that if I couldn’t pay the bill that month, it wasn’t a big deal to just pay it next month.
Maybe I blame him for the basement too. We moved all haphazard TWICE, which lead to the basement mess. Then there are the things down there that were his as a kid that have not moved for 15 years. HIS things.
And let’s not forget my neediness. I blame him for my low self esteem because he rarely compliments me and is quick to find fault.
Now I know all this is just silly. No one is to blame but me for my credit problem. I could have said “no” at any time, not just to him but also to myself. I know the basement is just as much my fault. Yes, I tried to pack well, but I really had no experience and since he was no help I gave up. I could have gotten educated about that and asked for my friend’s help.
Lastly, no one can make you feel inferior without your permission sums it up. It would help if he built me up, but his opinion has little to do with who I really am as a person.
So this leads me to wonder… does he secretly blame me too? Does he blame me for not getting a full-time job to help out? Is he convinced that I didn’t pack well for the move(s) and brought too much crap along? Does he blame my up-bringing for my clutter-bug habits? Does he think that if I were just more ____ we would have a better marriage? Does he even know what kind of a marriage we are missing out on?
I want so much to have a marriage like my grandparents. They did so many things together. I saw them work and play together. I watched them hold hands when they watched TV. They had spats, and they also had hobbies separately, but they seemed like such good friends. I wanted that as a little girl watching them, and I still do. Is that possible for me, for us?

So far the only goal I have met is #2, with the exception of one month. I have done #6 fairly consistently with some people, but I have lazy with others.

I am attending a “company” picnic this Saturday. I am going to ask Becki to help me “re-start” my business. It’s pass or fail time. I’ve got to make more money, and if I don’t get this job I applied for here (which I’m thinking I don’t have a shot at) then I need to make this business work. If I can’t make it work (in other words, if I am just too lazy to make it work) this fall, then I should seriously consider not renewing in the spring.

Lately have been reading every night like a good mommy. I have even been doing really good with reading a devotional to the kids. I want to work up from hurried bedtimes to cozy afternoons, but that is so much harder in the summer. I keep thinking of rainy cold days when I think of hours spent reading. We have been taking more trips to the library, and R. has joined their summer reading program. I still can’t seem to ignite her fire though. She reads like a chore to be able to use the computer. The haunting question: Is it my fault for not reading enough or do some people just naturally not like reading??