dragon1964

Is no laughing matter. I thought I would just have my cry out and be done with it and move on with life. Well this happened a month ago and it still feels like yesterday. It just isn’t that simple. When you lose somebody you cared about for a long time your whole system is in complete shock and gets thrown out of whack. You’re never the same person you were – everything changes. I never imagined this person dying let alone so young! He didn’t even make it to 50. The news was broken to me by another good friend who heard through other acquaintenances and I was reluctant to believe it. I thought everybody was just pulling my leg. I wanted to believe it was a lie because I had strong feelings for him, even though I knew I needed to let him go, which I was prepared to do without him dying. For a very long time he was the reason why I couldn’t date anybody else. Then when I finally thought I was just getting ready to move on for the first time in almost a decade – no sooner did I hear this devastating news about his death! I am still searching for comfort in the hard fact that he is gone forever. He died on the 25th of February, just six months after he was let go as long-time property manager of our apartment complex, then he moved back to his original home in Minnesota. He died of a massive heart attack while he and his father were icefishing in Wisconsin. He was never married, never had children, but was looking forward to being back home with his immediate family where he could take care of his mom and dad.

After a heart-to-heart visit I had the other day with his closest friends who live just across the hall from me I’m feeling alot better. I’m grateful I have people who are still close to me who I can cry with at the times when the chips are down. It was an important time that I really took to heart because we were able to share alot of issues that we had to keep inside for so long. This was very healthy and liberating because for the first time I didn’t have to keep anything inside anymore. We finally shared our long unspoken thoughts about what could have been if he was still alive, wondered why things didn’t happen the way we thought or hoped, and came to resolutions as to why certain things were not meant to happen.

Through losses such as this, I believe true friends are brought closer together and those who were never the friends you thought become separated. It’s funny how a death of one person has that strange effect on many people who are still alive. I believe in the middle of all the grieving there is a bigger lesson to be learned that I’m just beginning to learn.

Having said this everything happens for a reason, even if we don’t know the why’s, the where’s or the how’s(?) We just have to accept the things we can’t change, pray for insight on the true meaning of life, and be prepared to go anytime because we don’t know when our time is up.

http://dragonfly511.livejournal.com/

This is a prayer request for a friend that I would like to share with all friends and viewers. Please feel welcome to add some words of hope and encouragement if you may choose. On this note here it is:

Dear God
I believe we are all familiar with the fact that we all have something to be thankful for and yet we also want something we don’t have. For instance I can be thankful for good health, beauty, skills, intelligence, a good job and a beautiful son who I love more than anything on this earth. Even though there is still one thing I want and that is to have a soulmate – not someone just to date and have fun with but someone I want to enjoy growing old with.
In the meantime I see somebody in the opposite situation from myself. Someone who has all the personal qualities of an angel from heaven and also has found her perfect soulmate, even though she has an overwhelming history of medical problems that she battles with everyday and yet she fights fiercely(!)
She holds a stressful job and yet she exceeds her job expectations. She knows how to make her tenants happy by listening, answering questions, relating, negotiating, problem solving, showing compassion with willingness to work with people’s financial situations.
Anybody can see what her fiancee sees in her. I have even felt alittle envious and doubted my worthiness of personal happiness, sometimes forgetting to acknowledge the health problems she has to battle with – not knowing if she will live thru another day(!)Well today my eyes were open to another dimension of love and beauty that is surrounding me as I was holding my precious son and watching him sleep in my arms while he was taking his afternoon nap. I was amazed at how much love I was seeing in the sweet, innocent eyes of my own flesh and blood. I felt so much love at just that moment – so much that I wanted to send some of it out to people that need it.
I thought about Vicki, the woman whose situation I was comparing and contrasting to my own. I see Vicki as a very special person who deserves all the health and happiness life has to offer because she is such a good person. I was moved to pray for her and ask God and his angels to heal her body, mind and spirit and continue to bless her in the department in which I still hope to see my life fulfilled someday. My point is we don’t have to look for personal happiness in places where we may or may not find it. Like good health, love of all types is a gift from heaven above. All we really have to do is send a prayer, a positive thought or some form of positive energy out to someone who needs our love and encouragement so we can all heal physically, mentally and spiritually, and live together in harmony.

http://360.yahoo.com/avonmom_atwork07
http://dragonfly511.livejournal.com/

It’s a daily fight – I won’t argue with that at all. I have been working two jobs ever since I took our 2-bedroom apartment. Because I’m paying alot more rent than before I have been afraid to give up either – my afternoon job and midnight. I realized with Ben growing and becoming more active as he gets bigger working midnights would get harder – as lately I’ve been getting little to no sleep which has been affecting my stress level. Before it got to the point of taking my stress out on my son – I had to take a time out and think really hard about what I want – not just for myself but for me and Benjamin. I just knew this was the end of working any more midnights for a while. I decided to keep my afternoon job and put in my two weeks with my other one so I could have more time at home with Ben and get my sleep at night. I miss my social life, rest and my chances to live my life more freely and creatively. Even that itself requires sacrifices. Because of the guarenteed income I was afraid to let that job go. It’s so easy to hold onto everything that you know. Likewise, nothing can be harder than being faced with uncertainties and the challenge of the unknown. I did what I had to do just to keep my sanity otherwise it would be now or never. One of my personal goals is to work at home full-time running my business vs. working for someone else for the rest of my life. As we are familiar with the saying that Rome wasn’t built in one day, I understand that getting what you truly want takes time, patience, focus and faith. One of my favorite books I’m reading right now is entitled “Unclutter Your Mind” by Donna Smallin, a book I actually picked up at a yard sale for a quarter(!) I’m reading the spot where the author encourages you to make a list of 100 things that make you happy and to list at least three of those things you did each day – trust me it works!