Scarlett

...and I’ll be on a plane to the UK. It’s hard to believe it has already been 2.5 months since we last saw each other in person. It’s a terribly long time, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Reunion will be blissful but also confusing in some respect – not that I doubt his feelings or mine, it will be weird to have the other person right there, so close when all you’ve learned to associate with this relationship is chats on skype and many text messages. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled to see him and if it was possible, I’d have us be together all the time, all I’m saying is that it’ll be mind-boggling at first to have him next to me for real.

My most common answer to a question “how are you feeling” is I don’t know. It’s not that I don’t recognise how I feel, I merely do not know how to express my inner feelings in words, at best my answers are very vague and ambiguous “I’m fine/good” or “I’ve been better” – that doesn’t tell anything about my emotional state.

Surely more work needs to be done in distinguishing my whole range of emotions but I feel I’m doing fairly well with that. The most important issue is to find the specific words for different mental states and use them meaningfully. I don’t seek to find particular adjectives for certain feelings, I want to become better at distinguishing subtle differences in emotions and be able to express those nuances elaborately. After all, others can’t know how I feel unless I tell them, and the more detailed the answer, the better the mutual understanding, am I right?

This is especially important because boyfriend doesn’t speak Finnish – fully expressing my feelings in English is so much harder and it often pains me when I can’t find the words to articulate how I feel. I know he doesn’t mind, but it bothers me greatly.

This is a hard thing to admit, embarrassing even, but I’ve lived too recklessly for too long and now my finances have reached a point that I do not want to get any worse. So I need to take some action in order to turn this situation around. What I need to do:

• pay off credit cards
• become a more conscious consumer
• increase my savings
• adopt a less consumeristic and materialistic lifestyle

I haven’t set any particular deadline for paying off my credit cards but I hope to have paid most of my debt in 6 months. So far I’ve been good, when I fully realised my situation, I haven’t used neither of these cards, nor do I plan to, until the balances look healthier.

Conscious consumerism is something I never paid too much attention to before but in the past two weeks I’ve tried to observe my consumption patterns and desires more closely. Many times I’ve caught myself considering buying something I don’t actually need but unlike before, now I always seek for a justification for that purchase – and if I can’t find any, I let it go. For some time I’ve felt great anxiety for all the expenditure and consumption happening all around. I’m not only talking about wasting natural resources, but also people buying new things all the time, especially when they really don’t need to. I used to be like that, but I desire nothing more than to rid myself of that trait altogether.

Increasing my savings will be difficult when my first priority is to pay off my debt, but I still put 40€/month in to my savings account, and it’s something at least. Saving money has always been my Achilles heel, I’m dreadful at it. I don’t want to become too neurotic about this, but it would definitely make me feel a little more safe if I had a nice sum hid somewhere for emergencies.

I’ve been somewhat of a materialist as long as I can remember, and I admit still having difficulties in getting rid of possessions I clearly do not need but just can’t let go of. I hate that “just in case” mentality I’m supporting at the moment – if I haven’t used it in years, why should that suddenly change tomorrow or in the future? Of course those things happen, but they’re more of an exception than a rule. So the first thing I’m going to do is sell my unused clothes, no need to keep them in my closet when I never wear them anymore. After that, who knows. Mostly I’m going to pay attention to my behaviour when I’m shopping, to stop myself from bringing home things I do not need.

Also, a small step forward was taken today when I went and changed my phone operator for a cheaper one. My current one (I still need to wait for the change to actually happen, it might take up to 10 days but hopefully it’ll be sooner!) charges stupid amounts for text messages outside Finland. And as it happens to be, most of my phone activity is indeed texting to a certain someone in another country. This change should save me a considerable amount, probably around 10~15 euros, and at this point, that’s a lot.

I’m sure I can pull through. Admitting that something’s wrong is always the first step, right? Hopefully in a year’s time (if not sooner) things will look much brighter!