dreac

really i decided on a goal recently to not get sexually or romantically involved until i develop myself to a point where i don’t lose my autonomy or lose site of my goals whenever i’m with a man.
but once i can start dating again, i would like to meet someone like me. someone incredibly nice (although i need to work on being nicer to my mother, and it would be great to meet someone who either has already achieved that or has reason not to.) someone who cares about justice and believes critical education and unconditional communication are the keys to end oppression- along with constant vigilance. a don quixote,- ok- maybe not me in male form- someone with a beard. i don’t know- this is fruitless- i’m going out.

it was always difficult for me to subscibe to the idea that one much take care of himself before taking care of others. this is something i can talk about in greater detail perhaps another time. my main reasons for not accepting this are A) the many examples of humans creating a better situation for future generations (eg- parents for children) and B) i have a feeling if i focus on my own freedom and happiness i wont have enough time to help with anything else.
however-
i came to ask myself- if i hate tyranny and injustice so much, why do i think it’s ok to be so cruel to myself.

maybe if i weren’t so afraid to articulate my goals- i would get closer to accomplishing them. the thing is, when i think about the things i want to do, i feel like a jerk for not having already done them, or i worry that if i pursue them i wont have time for some of the other things i would like to do, or i feel like i’m not worthy of pursuing them or will be found unworthy after seeking some of them- i can think of many examples, but for now i think i’ll just try to focus on some of the other things i’d like to do- or maybe eat a little dinner.