My dissertation is due in September. I met my supervisor today and as a result feel terribly behind schedule: I only have a vague idea of my argument and have to choose between two possible topics, both of which are equally feasible. EEK! How can I choose? Intuition? Just choose the thing that sounds cooler? I’ve tried about a million decision making techniques and still don’t know what I’m doing. Maybe I need to take a break and come back to this later? Blech.
I’m planning to go to India for a couple of months sometime in the next year. So far, I’ve bought the Lonely Planet Guide (which weighs about a ton) and am looking forward to having time to read it.
I see that last time I posted on this goal I was aiming to do about half an hour of cleaning per day – well, THAT has gone totally out the window. I still don’t have a very good cleaning routine but I can’t bring myself to devote myself to it for a set half hour every day – I have too much other stuff to do which I think is more important and interesting at the moment. Which generally means I just wait until the house looks pretty squalid and then clean. I like having a clean house; I just don’t like cleaning!
On the upside, a recent visitor to my house commented that it was one of the nicest houses she’s seen recently!
Sometimes I feel like being generous with compliments might put me in a vulnerable position. You know how people who are too gushy are sometimes a bit off-putting? It’s pretty obvious, though, that you’re only as vulnerable as you let yourself be. If you give compliments hoping for something in return, if you invest too much in the giving of compliments, then you might feel rejected if that gesture isn’t returned. But if you give for the joy of giving and don’t invest too much in it emotionally, then I guess that’s pretty terrific for everyone, isn’t it?!
It’s hard when our gut desires are not necessarily compatible. I’m talking about when it comes to the subject of where we want to settle down together. We both kind of know that we would each rather be in our own countries but, assuming we want to stay together, that’s not really possible.
The key here is the ‘conscious choices’ part. Being conscious can be difficult when there are truths you don’t really want to face up to, difficult decisions you know you’re going to have to make but want to avoid making.
We hadn’t really talked about the subject that much until a week ago. It was pretty emotional. But at least it’s out in the open. It would be much worse to get to the point where we have to decide and not be prepared for it. I’m nowhere near feeling resolved on this issue, but the conclusion I drew from our conversation last week was that whatever we decide, we have to approach it positively and neither of us should feel like the victim. If we decide that we’re going to live in my boyfriend’s country then that has to be a decision we make together and if that’s what I decide then I have to be clear within myself that ultimately that is what I want, given the situation, given that things can’t always work out in the most ideal way.
My first thought was: brain dead! Wait a second… tired… slightly dissatisfied… but largely content… and a bit guilty.
Why? Because I’ve spent too much time using the computer today, because I only got six and a half hours sleep last night (which, in the long run, is not enough for me), because I don’t feel like I’ve achieved anything amazing today, because I’m not working at the moment and can do what I like, and because I probably should have started job hunting by now!
I’m a lot less uptight than I used to be. I’m not, like, a total hedonist but I’m not a straightlaced matron either. Even though I could probably occasionally be a little more wild, I’m pretty happy with how I am at the moment: I do get drunk now and again (not puking in gutters but good-drunk), I do let myself buy clothes, make-up and jewellery, and I let myself enjoy them, rather than giving myself a hard time for being frivolous!
I’ve paid off some of my N.I contributions. But I still have quite a big shortfall. I’m going to wait to finish paying it off, though, because it’s not my biggest priority at the moment and I need to wait until I enough money that I won’t miss it.
But: unfortunately, I was mistaken about being on emergency tax! So no tax refund for me. How annoying!
Otherwise, I need to get a new job but somehow I haven’t managed to bring myself to start job hunting yet. It’s because I know I want to do something different but at the moment I don’t have a 100% clear idea what, or how I’m going to go about it. What I need to do (and probably the sooner the better) is brainstorm the kind of work I’d like to do and how to find it!
Recently, my bf commented that he thinks I still have an overwhelming tendency to behave receptively, rather than actively. I took this as a criticism, although I suppose it doesn’t have to be taken as one. Probably the fact that I interpreted it that way says more about me and my attitudes to receptivity.
After struggling for a long time to understand how I felt about the whole active/receptive thing, I think I’ve gone so far in the opposite direction that I now think it’s bad to be receptive.
Of course, I don’t really think that on a rational level, but my knee-jerk reaction suggests otherwise.
I think my bf’s comment bothered me especially because I feel like I have redressed the balance a lot and I am much more likely to take the initiate than I used to be. In fact, I would say that these days it’s my default behaviour.
However, his comment was in response to situations when we’re together with his friends and for various reasons I don’t contribute much to the conversation, those reasons being: that I’m by nature more introvert than extrovert, I’m not that interested or knowledgeable in the topics they discuss, and the whole thing is in a foreign language that I’m not entirely confident in speaking.
My bf’s understandable response to my excuses was that if I’m happy with the situation as it is then that’s fine. But he got the impression that I wasn’t entirely happy and he’s probably right.
I am a pretty sociable person, despite sometimes being shy with people I don’t know too well, and it does bother me when I don’t feel like I can really relax and enjoy myself in a social situation.
The comment about receptivity came up in the context that I don’t have to just passively let other people choose the conversation topics and go along with whatever they’re talking about; I can introduce my own topics of conversation: things that are interesting to me. Also, he suggested that I can always switch to English if trying to speak Hebrew is proving to be a barrier to me joining in the conversation.
I agree with what he says. I’m not really happy with the situation as it stands. However, it is hard to go against my nature and be more extrovert and initiate conversations, especially when I don’t feel it would be appropriate to always do it in English (and I wouldn’t feel comfortable with it either). I guess this is really what this goal is about: getting over that fear of putting myself out there in challenging social situations and not being afraid of looking silly. It’s hard work and it takes a lot of energy but ultimately I think it is worth making the effort.
It’s not like I’m never going to return to this, but my last attempt was unsuccessful to the point where someone told me I smelt like pot pourri. Oh dear! I wouldn’t be bothered by the lack of success apart from the fact that perfume making is a very expensive hobby!
And I’ve found a few nice natural perfumes which I like to wear… so not feeling such a strong desire to make my own.
Someday I’d like to do a proper aromatherapy or perfumery course to learn how to do it properly. For now… it’s off the list.
I’ve been meaning to do this for ages: get myself on the mailing lists of bands and artists I like so I know when they’re gigging and don’t miss out on anything.
Better just do it now, eh?
the in-laws in a few weeks! It’ll be a week or so of actually staying with them, which should be quite intense, but hopefully manageable.
We do have a much better relationship now than we used to, and living in a different country now certainly puts things in a different perspective.
I am in reasonable contact with them, though, particularly my mother-in-law and we’re going to see another dance show together while I’m staying there.
So far, so good…
my first WR in AGES! Finally finally I have an empty inbox! I’m really going to have to make a point of scheduling a WR into my routine.
I’m in the middle of two projects to do with finances:
1. Starting to pay voluntary National Insurance contributions (because I had shortfall) so I should end up getting a full pension when I retire.
2. Getting my tax back for the last tax year—my employer still has me on an emergency tax code! Grrr! Hopefully next time I write here I’ll be about a thousand pounds richer through tax refunds!
And I’ve been putting money in my ISA every so often. AND (at least at the moment) more money is going into my bank account than out!
looking back at my last entry on this goal (which was a year ago).
I’m no longer living in Israel so at the moment there’s no issue about being afraid I’m going to make mistakes in my Hebrew. But I still wouldn’t say I’m completely open in my conversations with people, particularly those I don’t know too well. I used to get accused of being too open… in a naiive way… but now I think I’m much more careful about what I give away about myself. I’m not sure if this is just me getting wiser, or more cynical.
I still do admire people who seem very open about themselves. Maybe it’s their innocence I admire.
However, I think it is possible to be honest and straightforward about your opinions and feelings without giving away too much of your self.
I just found out my ecological footprint using the WWF site. It was very interesting. Apparently, mine is below the UK average, but I’m still living as though we had 2.63 planets to support us!
One of their recommendations is to buy more seasonal food (grown locally, of course) so that’s something I’m going to try and do next time I go to the supermarket. That means (to name a few!) courgettes, broad beans, Welsh lamb, lettuce, strawberries, peppers, asparagus, cherries, aubergines and peas. Yum!
I’m taking this off my list for now and putting it on my someday/maybe list. I think, at the moment, it’s really important for me to develop my creative side and express myself in various types of art. I’m not saying science isn’t creative, but there’s a limit to how many goals I can actively work on at once and this isn’t a big one for me at the moment! One day I hope to become the perfect fusion of artist and scientist! till then…
I’ve had this goal on my list since forever and this month I decided to prioritise it. So I started trying to work through a textbook I have, before realising (after a couple of weeks) that it was just taking up too much of my time.
I’m pretty busy at the moment and just about everything seems more important than studying maths. I’ve taken this as a sign that my priorities have changed.
Maybe they’ll change again sometime and for this reason I’m keeping the goal on my someday/maybe list. It’s not like I didn’t manage to improve my maths at all—I just didn’t get to the point where I can say I’m good at it.
Ultimately, though, I think it’s been a positive experience, realising that my priorities have changed. Now there’s room on my goals list for something more relevant to my life right now!
