druidea

i’ve done odd jobs. i’ve gone through night school while working through the day. i’ve landed my the jobs following the path of my chosen career. after a while doing it, i’m starting to go back to the dreams i had as a child. i’m relating to the things i do now.

i want to write. i want to create. i want to invent.

i want a job that would give me more time to spend with my kids.

and i want a job that pays me as much [or more] than i bring home.

but all the above would cost a lot of time, planning, trials and errors that i may not afford much to do with at the moment. i have it though, at the top of my life’s list!

a change would be good as change is constant. it’s just the hassle of making the beginning of begin.

I am into my 17th week of pregnancy. But I cried through my 10th to 16th week of it.

The troubles and stresses I had was unbearable.

- My husband works out of town 5 days a week. I am left at home with 2 sons and a belly.
- I’d miss him so uncontrolably.
- I was transfered to a work place 1 hour away with bad traffic when I didn’t know I had already conceived before the transfer. My original office was only 8 minutes away from my house.
- My husband asked me to go back to old office and it took me a long while to find out if the decision is right.
- We had trouble settling the house we’re buying over as the owner has so many unsettled debts as we uncovered slowly and the owner isn’t able to pay anything to clear them off.
- The friends I have were not supportive of me, especially being pregnant, therefore often ask me out but not sincere about it as they’d just go off without me anyways.
- As my mind was absent, I was also absent at home. The kids would wake up crying in the middle of the night looking for their daddy instead of cooling off within my comfort.

I felt unloved. I felt alienated. I felt terrible.

But I also realised that I hadn’t felt the baby in my belly. Had I been so selfish that I didn’t care?

I told myself to just give myself a good cry. It hadn’t occurred to me that I DIDN’T have the chance to cry – to really cry them out. And I found a space last Friday. I talked to God. I asked him for strength as I need one good cry as I was tired. Don’t think I could go on like that any more.

And so I did.

I cried all my might. I cried for a whole entire hour. Then I started talking to people who would listen to me instead of the people I wanted to think they care. I let them all out. I didn’t leave a drop behind. I shut down my PC and left for him. I left my baggage somewhere that day. And I had finally snapped out of it.

The load was lifted of my shoulders. I finally told my husband what I went through. It was much tougher as I had hidden it from him so well. And it made me feel I’m worth having. I am loved because I appreciate myself. And it doesn’t matter what people judge, it is me who’s living my life.

I’m so much happier. It’s a process that you have to discover.

And I hope you’ll be able to find it. Pray hard and you’ll get them. Trust me.

My aunt and her husband lives in England. During one of our rare visits to her, they brought us on a hot air baloon. It was in spring and extremely cold for an Asian like me. I had on 5 layers of clothing while others only came in long sleeves.

The view was fabulous. The ride was breathtaking. The landing was superb for me as we hit a tree on the way down. The basket caught a little of the branch and it was the little action for me.

I enjoyed it very much but as I can remember as it happened 14 years ago, Uncle Nick had the total freak on the whole ride. I was lucky to both have received the chance to be on one and being able to thoroughly enjoy it.