dsilverm

i was first diagnosed with depression when i was in the seventh grade. there were so many things wrong that year: it felt as though my life were a whirlpool working against me. it took years of therapy, friends, and more tears than i ever could have imagined to fight back. there would be days where i felt i had made a little progress, but then i’d take two steps backwards the next day. it’s a long, arduous process that no one can understand other than those who either have experienced it or are currently in its throes. i want people to know that there is always someone in this world who loves and appreciates them, whether or not they know it currently. help is out there, but you’ve got to want it more than anything else in the world.

1. smiling.
2. dancing.
3. being onstage.
4. getting notes after a run or a scene.
5. getting positive feedback as well as help.
6. doing well on an essay.
7. hearing witty remarks.
8. making witty remarks.
9. oscar wilde.
10. knowing what’s going on around me.
11. kittens.
12. holding my guinea pig.
13. holding squirrels.
14. taking risks.
15. letting go.
16. trusting in desire.
17. william blake.
18. poetry.
19. good prose.
20. thinking positively.
21. loving life.
22. counting my blessings.
23. daydreaming.
24. getting enough sleep.
25. conquering my fears and insecurities even temporarily.
26. overcoming difficulties.
27. getting out of a boring class.
28. the colour yellow.
29. christmas!
30. midnight masses.
31. christmas lights.
32. candles.
33. warm fireplaces.
34. seeing people standing together around garbage can fires.
35. bonfires.
36. community.
37. genuine expressions of togetherness.
38. musical theatre.
39. foodporn.com
40. food!
41. cooking/baking for friends.
42. early morning french toast.
43. the smell of good coffee.
44. doing well on auditions.
45. getting parts that i wanted.
46. getting parts that i initially didn’t want but then continuing to learn to love them.
47. keeping busy.
48. old newspapers.
49. nostalgia.
50. pre-feminist notions in old magazines.
51. “how to be a good housewife.”
52. folk singers.
53. finding new music.
54. being introduced to new things.
55. birds.
56. being outside on a perfect day.
57. 80 degrees outside with no humidity.
58. perfectly blue skies.
59. perfectly grey skies against changing leaves or snow.
60. snow.
61. thinking about faith.
62. knowing that some things cannot be defined.
63. ambiguity.
64. possibility.
65. good tea.
66. warm hugs.
67. warm blankets.
68. reading with a mug of hot cocoa.
69. drinking soda through a straw.
70. ice cream sodas.
71. cracking my back.
72. full extensions at the barre.
73. looking at photos of dancers.
74. grace of any kind.
75. honey vanilla chamomile tea.
76. soft fabrics.
77. morning cuddles.
78. waking up to a warm smile.
79. pillows.
80. stuffed animals.
81. looking at old paintings.
82.

1. people sending mixed messages
2. people receiving unintentionally mixed messages.
3. unfulfilled resolutions.
4. unresponsivity.
5. my lack of a proper vocabulary.
6. not being able to cry.
7. not knowing what to do next.
8. not knowing what to do ever.
9. not having a kitchen all the time.
10. bothersome roommates and loud dorm mates.
11. people who pretend to understand and don’t.
12. people who ignore you when you cry.
13. how much i miss my guinea pig.
14. how much i don’t miss my family.
15. how much i try to recreate the past.
16. how much i procrastinate.
17. how much work i have to do.
18. cold tea.
19. thinking about unrequited love.
20. genocide.
21. hate.
22. murder.
23. misunderstandings.
24. how far away peace is.
25. unsympathetic minds.
26. trying too hard.
27. making mistakes.
28.