ebonystarr27

grrrrrrr i’ve been holding onto something for almost three months now, and no matter how much i try to let it go, i just can’t shake the anger and resentment. i want to, NEED to get rid of it. it’s poisoning everything – i can’t stop obsessing about what happened, i keep playing it over and over in my head, so every day it’s like the anger is fresh. how do i stop it? the constant malcontent spills over into everything and is starting to effect my work and my relationship. wait a second – i shouldn’t be letting anything get to me so that its affecting my work, that’s my paycheck. so we definitely have to figure this out…

So all summer long I made it a point to go to at least one or two social outings a month. That doesn’t sound like a lot, but for someone who is perfectly happy to spend an evening home alone and was doing so every day for almost a year, that’s quite a big change. But you know, it really wasn’t that hard to do and I found myself going out more often. Each time it got a little bit easier, and it was nice that there was usually at least one person I knew from being out at the previous gathering. Gradually, I began to loosen up, trying to remember to ask just as many questions as I answered – not to force anything but to keep the conversation progressing until we touch on a mutually interesting topic (my what I have learned! lol) And by doing this, I knocked a couple of other items on this list out of the box (get better at small talk, make more female friends). I’d forgotten how much fun it is to just go out with a group of people to have a few drinks and dance. I really didn’t have to worry about talking too much anyways because I was too busy laughing at the jokes and dance moves people were busting out.

And it felt good to finally relax and be with other people who seemed genuinely happy to have me around. It’s nice to feel that again. And I think what was happening before, was that I was so wrapped up in my own head and anti-social ways that I didn’t realize I was also sending a message to people that I didn’t really want to put in the effort to form a friendship or deepen one. And that’s not cool, that’s the exact opposite of what I want. So I don’t need to be out every week, 3 nights a week. I can still go out and keep my alone time at home – but I also realized that being social is not just about going to hang out. Sometimes just reaching out with a phone call or an email is enough. Just so people know that you remember and you care to keep in touch. The rest will work itself out.

ok! so three months later, i have kept this promise to be more social. this past friday i went out after work with some of my new co-workers, just for a change of pace. it actually wasn’t so bad, although i certainly have to get going on my other list item, to get better at small talk lol. but regardless, i found it wasn’t as difficult as i anticipated, i don’t know why i was so worried. though i definitely took an observer’s seat, there were still one or two people i was able to talk with. but any time i felt as though i had nothing to say, i just sat back watched people interact. it’s funny, my mom always tells me to do that, watch other people in social situations as they often reveal their true natures without even being aware – and she was so right. at any rate, the more i do it the less scary it will be. besides, everyone is so caught up in their own shit they don’t even notice that i feel awkward. which is great for me.