snippet

I’m doing terrible. I didn’t buy any Christmas presents, my daughter and her friend put up the Christmas tree and decorated it and the house. It really looks nice, but I’m more happy that they helped clean the house.

I went to work for the first time in weeks. It is hard and I cry for no reason.

I see my shrink. I’ve been having suicidal thoughts more and more. I can see the accident happening as I drive. He puts me on Paxil.

I am lonely, and no one calls. I call a few people, but no one answers. I leave a message, and get none in return.

My kids’ have friends over for a few days. I try to be happy and normal, but it is hard. I don’t want to embarrass my kids.

My daughter is short with me. She is stressing out about who knows what and is rude when I try to help out and dismisses anything I do. I give up. My son cuts me off when I say something. I am silent and realize that my kids don’t value me at all.

We go to Christmas Eve service. The service was about “God with Us” and I start crying and can’t stop. Then a children’s story about the Town of Lack. I feel so lonely. I have to leave twice just to get a grip on myself, but the tears continue. People tell about how they were hurting and needed help and got it from people in church. I need help, but no one comes.

I don’t know what His plan is, but I know I’m here for a reason. I wish I knew what it was. I pray that I’ll know it soon. I’m lost without it.

It’s been rough for me these past few years. I haven’t found much to count for anything in my life. But despite all that, I am blessed that just breathing is good. A breath in, a breath out. I’m blessed because He loves me, yes even the crappy me that I am.