Lindsey

I’m struggling with this. There are two I need to dump. One suddenly stopped talking to me for a month without letting me know why. He broke multiple promises with me in the process. Just yesterday, he contacted me talking about how terrible his life is, how it treats him so badly, and forgive him if I don’t hear from him for the next 6 months because he’ll be too busy hiding under a rock going ‘oh woe is me everyone hates me.’ You know, in the past, I would take this crap and see only his side of things, but now I think this is NOT fair to me, this is NOT being a friend to me. Why should I have to wait for months not knowing the true, specific reasons why my ‘friend’ is doing this to me?! He was SO nonspecific yesterday and tried putting the blame on me for me being such a “strong” person and other things that he tried making sound positive as to the reason why he “can’t face me.” WTF.

The other one has just been a jerk for years now. He used to be a mentor to me, and then he went off overseas for grad school and got a huge head and every time he’d email me back it just seemed like contempt for me because I was here finishing college and living in the U.S. still. All he did was criticize everything I was doing despite that he was being totally foolish in life. And I realized he has this completely wrong fantasy image in his head of who he thinks I am despite that I’ve told him so many things about myself. He wants to think I’m some ravishing sex fiend and a feminist, and I’m NEITHER. It makes me sick. And all he does is talk negatively about the area I still live in and looks down on all his OLD friends.

I just don’t know how to let go. The second one, I tried, but he threw a massive guilt-trip fit the last time. Bew hew, I’m the only friend he has that has lasted this long. WELL GEE I WONDER WHY! >:o

While I marked this as “done” awhile back, it’s really an ongoing process forever if you ask me. What really shattered my search for approval was watching other people for awhile. This will sound pessimistic and crude to some, but I’ve found it to be true and the reason why I realized seeking approval is horrifically damaging to one’s own psyche. I’ve realized that a lot of people are really selfish, have their own agendas, wants, needs, and a lot of them are manipulative of others to get those things. They don’t even care about you! You’ll never get approval from them no matter what. Plus there’s people you just shouldn’t even seek approval from, such as an abusive parent. Everyone has their own skewed idea about what makes a perfect person, and the only way you get approval from someone else is fitting into their subjective idea of that, but the only way that can happen is if the other person shares the same ideas and values as you. And remember, it is an IDEA. Ideas can be wrong or bad! I mean, as an extreme example, there are people out there who think that children should be their sex partners. Could you imagine if you were seeking approval from these people?

By seeking approval, you make you wrong and the other person perfectly right. For me, that alone makes me not want to seek approval. I’d rather be right by trying to approve of myself.

I finally started this goal this past Monday! A friend of mine drove 50 minutes just to go bowling for 4 games with me. I had a blast, even though I didn’t do so great, although my best score was 125. I love the exercise I got. I’m going to make a habit out of going, it’s a great thing to do indoors and winter is coming upon me and it’s only $.99 per game (plus $3 for shoes) on Mondays and Tuesdays here!!! I will just need to get over being self-conscious so I go by myself too. :)