elastica

Improving my frame is going to be a big step.
Being a better dancer will improve my self-confidence
and overall demeanour. And increase the satisfaction I get
out of dancing!

I need to remain single for as long as it takes to become the person i want to be. Only then will I have a nourishing, successful relationship.
I have to grasp that I don’t need anyone in my life to be happy.

Hmmm I know I have lied to myself many times in the past:
about what I like, about what I want about why I do certain things.
It’s not conscious obviously and it’s very convenient.
I want to stop doing that and face the truth, even if I don’t like it. I need to really know who I am and help myself enjoy life to the fullest.

What can I say, yourself is all you’ve got with you
so you need to make sure you keep yourself healthy and pamper yourself from time to time…

The route to being happy…
I need to minimise the time I spend on things “I have to do”.
Are they really that many? Why do I “have to do them?”

Everything takes longer and is more complicated than you think…

I haven’t written in three months. I just looked at my goals.
I think I have succeeded in becoming less emotional and stronger.
But forgot everything about enjoying being single…3 months ago I got back with my recent ex (after having split up for a month and after I had given him a deadline) but it turned out to have been a mistake;
I just wasted three months from trying to attain my goals and instead chose to delude myself, believed it was going to work out and invested time and energy in him. Well, he put a final stop on Tuesday and this time there is no going back.
I have to enjoy being single and re-direct the goodness I was giving him to myself as he clearly could not appreciate it and it meant nothing to him. Heartbroken again, yes, but more stoic about it.
Sometimes you need to go through phases of solitude and even pain and if you stop resisting, they may not even be as painful…

I think I will never regret it if I do. No one will be able to take this love away from me :-)

Enjoying doing things on my own. But would still like to be with recent ex. I gave him a deadline to make up his mind so I feel stronger and it feels good to have articulated my wants and needs clearly. I consider this progress, no matter what the final outcome is…

... and not get stuck in the day to day.
Easier said than done. I seem to be stuck in the same karma cycles where I repeat the same mistakes again and again, very much caught up in the day to day life.
How do you make your everyday life consistent with your overall goals? Start with small steps. Ah yes, I know this in theory.

Am having more fun time now, not so hung up on ex.
I spent a weekend on a dance workshop which was really fun.
I feel more energised and fancy doing more work.
I need to keep this up.

It is easier to accomplish a task, the more specific you are in defining it and the clearer its shape in your head.
So I realised that many people on this website have very specific goals e.g. brush teeth twice a day, moisturise, travel to China etc. All these can be more specific steps to e.g. taking care of oneself and doing more travelling.
I want to transform my more theoretical looking goals to specific ones. That way I will be one step further to materialising my goals…

Ah I have many. Have always had. Fear of natural disasters, fear of war, fear of loosing my beloved, fear of failure, fear of death.
I think I should also add to this fear of commitment, fear of loosing myself to others. Regarding this, I think I have reached a stage of personal honesty and growth at the end of which I will be much closer to knowing who I am and what I stand for and I shall not be afraid of committing (to people or causes).
I would like to add a quote I heard on BBC radio 4. The quote is by Mr Selfridge’s mother (the Mr Selfridge who grew to become the successful businessman who later opened the homonymous department store in London). They were a poor family and the mother was left to raise the children on her own. She once told her son:
“Don’t be afraid of failure. There is always something you can do”.
That is what I try to remember, when my fears come running after me.

There is no way i will manage two papers by the end of November…
The first one is taking far more time than I thought. I shall have to modify my goal to ONE PAPER BY the end of November.

arghh This seems to be preoccupying my brain more than anything else on the list :-(
I have to ignore recent ex. He is giving me mixed signals, he is confused but I don’t deserve this. I want to be able to enjoy life and eventually be with someone who knows what they want and what they want should definitely include me!!
But it’s so hard seeing recent ex everyday and having feelings for him. I wish I could just get him out of my mind and heart by virtue of the fact that he isn’t treating me the way I deserve.

I’ve been trying to be less clingy and less dependent . So I’m on the right track.

Being less emotional would help. Maybe I should focus on that. The weird thing is, I am afraid that if I stop feeling, nothing will be worthwhile anymore. But I obviously feel too much.
Another one to work on: trust myself and not be afraid…

Hmm I’m finding it hard. Especially since I have to see my recent ex every day at work. But i really need to stop investing my energy in others and work on myself. I need to feel the pain now, go through it one last time so that I am finally able to break the cycle.
Oooups recent ex just texted me and I texted him back. Hmmmm…

Yes, that is one of my nicknames. Emotions do indeed make us human and enrich our lives but they serve us much better when under control. They are terrible masters.
I have been told already by three exes that ‘I am too much’.
Need to channel my emotions to something more creative.

Beware innocent reader, this is too cryptical and boring for you…
Paper number one: most of the experimental work done for this.
Need to add: * analysis of variance
* test on more data
Then continue the writeup process. Doable in two weekends.

Managed to avoid phoning my recent ex this evening.
And have stopped constantly thinking about the ex before him.
Making some progress.

I need to enjoy being single as my only option for personal growth. I am a bit out of practice. Last time I was single was seven years ago.
The weird thing, is I have been in a long distance relationship for most of the time but until recently there was a caring person to support me emotionally and I would do the same for them. But I get completely absorbed by relationships, I end up giving away too much, loosing myself.

I need to be completely independent for a while and devote my time to my work and hobbies. Only when I become the person I want to be will I manage to get rid of commitment-phoebia and sustain a wholesome loving relationship.

It’s tough, but I have to come to terms with it. Delaying facing the truth has already cost me too much.