elee13

I am an old timer from the stop drinking group. My first attempt at quitting lasted six months. my second a couple of months. my fourth a week. my fifth… well you get the picture. I am currently sober and am not sure if I want to count the days… although I would love to have a one year celebration when it happens (which I know it eventually will). I still struggle and I still crave the romance of wine. I still beat myself up too much for past mistakes. I have set borders with my parents and am sticking to them, which means we haven’t spoken for months. it is hard. it is scary. and there is a lot of guilt. but then there are moments where I actually feel free and I know it took a long time and a lot of pain and a lot of fighting to feel that. you just can’t give up. you really can’t.

fell off the damn wagon…. This is such a struggle sometimes. I need more discipline. I don’t drink everyday like I used to, but now every few weeks I get smashed and black out. I am sad, I am embarrassed, I am angry with myself! I can not drink, but I can’t stop once I start. I know I shouldn’t drink, but sometimes its like “who the fuck cares?” I guess I’m back to day one, but at least I haven’t quit quitting. wish me luck.

oh yeah, this is what it feels like to be sober. got in late last night from visiting with my mother. woke up feeling groggy and gross. remembered that this was not due to drinking and instantly loved the feeling… weird. It just felt good to feel tired from a regular old late night and not from booze. had some coffee, perked up, did my tax returns, made some phone calls. it is sunny and I have nothing to do. am going to my studio to paint.
hope you all are feeling good and have a great day!